Myths about women’s orgasms are persistent and continue to get recycled through culture and even healthcare, despite the science, data, and personal experiences of millions of women.
Even men, and women!—who are polyamorous and have multiple partners and a great sex life—believe some of the orgasm myths without even realizing it.
4 Myths about Women’s Orgasms
1. An orgasm always means the sex was great.
The most widespread myth about women’s orgasms is that it is necessary for great sex, and that having one means it was.
This myth persists because it makes sense on its surface and because it is sometimes true. Obviously an orgasm can be a sign that the sex was good and that she is satisfied. And obviously, a generous lover prioritizes her pleasure, so pursuing her orgasm is just a natural part of your repertoire.
But “sometimes true” doesn’t mean it is always the case. We sometimes orgasm when we don’t really feel fulfilled or the sex wasn’t very pleasurable—it is a mechanical event, after all.
More importantly, we don’t need orgasms for great sex. This is NOT a free pass to dismiss the importance of her climax or to make your pleasure the priority. It is to acknowledge that sex can be fun, intimate, fulfilling, emotional, connected, and physically pleasurable even for women who don’t or can’t orgasm, or for those times when she doesn’t get there.
For example, I seldom come during a hookup, and this is not unusual. I can come solo pretty fast, and with a trusted lover. But some sex is not relaxing, and I don’t want it to be. However, for me personally, I only climax when I’m relaxed.
Orgasm is very important, but it isn’t the only important thing in sex—not for her, and not for you. There’s a lot more to sex than orgasm.
How can you make sure you aren’t ignoring her needs when you don’t want to pressure her into climax if it isn’t happening? Just ask! “I want to make sure you come. Show me the best way to help you get there.” If she says, “I’m enjoying myself but won’t come today,” you’ll know.
2. Vaginal orgasms are superior to clitoral orgasms.
The persistence of this myth causes women and their lovers a lot of ennui.
Most women are unable or less frequently able to have an orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. As great as it does feel, penis or dildo in vagina does not by itself produce an orgasm. We rub our clitorises in order to come.
For this reason, her using her hand while you fuck her works wonders. You servicing her pussy with oral sex is a great way for many women to get there.
Most experienced women and their lovers are well aware that they need clitoral stimulation to climax. But younger lovers may still expect that the old in-and-out is how she “should” come.
Some guys may even wonder if she’s a lesbian if she can’t get off with just his cock inside of her. Immature lovers may think it’s “better” to come from vaginal penetration. Some women feel inadequate if they can’t come that way.
Although this misunderstanding often reflects naivety or a lack of confidence in lovers who have less experience, it also reflects some sexist notions of female sexuality.
Freud popularized a common misconception, that clitoral orgasms and vaginal orgasms were different, and that the vaginal orgasm was “more mature.”
In fact, they are the same orgasm, as the nerve network of the clitoris IS why a few women can have vaginal orgasms. The nerves are the same! Most of us need direct stimulation on the clitoral “button,” but the nerves there actually run up and down inside the vagina.
3. All women can have a G-spot orgasm and ejaculate.
In one sense, this myth may be true. The G-spot is not a special spot that only a few women have. And the G-spot orgasm is still the same orgasm as the clitoral and vaginal orgasms—the nerve networks of the clitoris inside ARE the G-spot. And during sex and during orgasm, women excrete some fluids from various glands and organs in and around the vagina.
What differs is how much fluid is released—some can squirt a LOT, but most don’t. What also differs is whether a particular woman finds the stimulation of pushing the clitoral nerves from a certain position—the “come here” motion on the upper wall of the vagina—enjoyable or not.
Some of us don’t faint and scream at this specific sensation, but actually want you to stop jabbing us. Others really get off on it.
So no, just because your wife screams and soaks you like a garden hose when you touch her there doesn’t mean your girlfriend should or could.
4. She needs an emotional connection to climax.
The answer is yes and no.
It is probably your experience that the women you make love to more often have orgasms more often.
Many women do feel that some kind of emotional connection—not necessarily promises of lifelong monogamy, but at the very least that she LIKES you—makes for easier and better orgasms. And that may all be linked to her feeling relaxed. When she trusts you, she IS more relaxed.
Even if many women have better or more orgasms when there’s a connection, there are lots of times when connection is present and they still don’t come. And there are many circumstances when a woman will get off with someone she knows nothing about, and she doesn’t care.
Looking for more about how women “come”? Read: What to Know about the Female Orgasm
What are your thoughts on these women’s orgasm myths?