She won’t hook up with you but you can’t figure out why.
We’ve all been there, with our eye on the prize—a certain hottie we can’t get out of our mind. We want to hook up, but the end of the world seems more likely.
Even though we do our best to find partners looking for the same thing, there’s always the woman on the subway, the one we can’t stop staring at, or the Starbucks barista who won’t return our calls.
Maybe you DID meet her on a hookup dating site or a kinky hookup app, and after some racy messaging, suddenly she freezes you out.
Or maybe she’s your sister’s friend from the gardening club, and you are determined to let nature take its course. To your surprise, she isn’t the slightest bit interested in your moves. So what gives?
There are a million reasons why she doesn’t want to hook up! Since you can’t seem to think of a single one right now, here’s a helping hand.
Why She Won’t Hook Up With You
1. She’s Just Not that Into You
Harsh, I know, but the obvious answer is usually the stark reality.
Maybe you met her on a kinky orgy site. And yet, she won’t cement plans to hook up. She wants to have sex with everyone else, but not you.
Maybe she’s looking for hot sex tonight, dying to get laid, but still she passes over your profile and won’t message you back.
It sucks, I know. But she doesn’t want to hookup with you. Hard to believe, right? But it happens.
2. She Doesn’t Want to Hook Up as You’re Not Her Type
Similar, but less personal. She has nothing against you or your profile pic. She just isn’t into sporty types, or bankers. She might prefer the intellectual type, or firemen.
Just like some guys have a “type,” so do some women. Move on. It’s not about you at all.
3. She’s Online for Amusement Only
Lots of people lurk online to watch the action or check out the playing field, but they aren’t ready to dive in. Some never do.
Maybe she does want casual sex but hasn’t summoned up the nerve to live out her fantasies yet. Maybe she will, and maybe she won’t. But right now she’s just chatting and watching, and you’re not the one who’s going to change that. Sorry.
4. She’s Looking for a Committed Relationship
You probably won’t find this woman on a site for casual fetish hookups or threesomes. But if you keep slipping the coffee girl your number and she tosses it despite the obvious chemistry, maybe she’s not buying what you’re selling.
Some women are looking for something that you aren’t looking for. She doesn’t want to hook up without the hope of a relationship, and she’s not taking any substitutes.
5. She Won’t Hookup Because She’s Got a Boyfriend
Just because the sparks are flying, that doesn’t mean she’s automatically yours tonight. We can experience deep attraction, but that doesn’t mean we are free or have to act on them.
This one’s so obvious that a lot of guys use it as a pickup line. Do you know how many times a guys come up to a woman out of the blue and say, “Do you have a boyfriend?”
If she says “yes,” keep on walking.
6. She’s on Her Period
This never occurs to guys! But if you’re hot and heavy in the chat room and you’re sure she’ll jump at your invitation to come out and play, yet she responds with, “Erm, tonight???” this might be the reason.
Some women will be up front and tell it like it is. “I’d love to, but I’m on the rag. Can we check in next week?” But more often than not, she won’t want to mention it to a stranger.
You have no way of knowing, but if you’re not sure, you can easily gauge if this is the cause of her sudden disinterest. “I understand you’re busy right now. Okay if I check in again in a week or so?” If she says with relief, “Yes, I’d love that,” you’re good.
7. She’s Not Into What You’re Into
If you express specific kinks or fetishes in your profile, women who don’t match those interests or aren’t into exploring them with you won’t respond.
It’s really important to express your sexuality openly in your profile, and I always encourage folks with niche sexual interests to try kinky dating sites. You want to attract people who are open to your sexual interests.
However, if you don’t NEED giantess kinksters or mummification experts in order to have a good time, make it clear that your interests are more broad.
If your profile states, “Adult baby looking for lactating ladies,” you won’t get callbacks from women who don’t want to change your diaper.
Try saying something just as precise, with an open window. “I’m a submissive guy who aims to please. I love women in rubber and leather, all sizes. But I’m also open to exploring your sexual interests too.” This casts a wider net while letting like-minded lovers know what you’re all about.
8. Her Culture or Religion Isn’t Sympatico with Casual Sex
Just because she smiled at you from behind her stethoscope doesn’t make her fair game. She may not be into casual dating because her culture or religion has taboos against these things.
Yes, she may be an oppressed woman, who isn’t free to pursue her own sexual desires. Forget about rescuing her. A woman’s no means no, whatever her reasons.
She may be in perfect agreement with the values of her background, whether religious or cultural, and if she’s a good Catholic or waiting for an arranged marriage, you won’t persuade her to throw away what she believes in for a good time tonight. It will be a longer process, if it happens at all.
I left this to last because it isn’t the most common reason a woman doesn’t hookup or doesn’t want sex it tonight with you. Not all faiths are sex negative and people from all cultural backgrounds are more open to making their own decisions about sexuality in the modern day world. However, we live in a multicultural society as well as in the remnants of our own patriarchal society, and some people will forego your temptations tonight because of these.
However, most women who don’t take you up on your offers have other reasons instead.
How do YOU handle it when a woman doesn’t want to hook up?