Part 5: Keep It Going, Casually
So, you’ve finally met that beguiling stranger who you’ve been flirting with online, and face-to-face you realize you’ve found what you’re looking for . . . a night of potentially hot sex! Here are tips on how to proceed without sending the message that you’re looking for love.
1. Have her over to your place, don’t go to hers. Don’t negotiate this. After all, if you read Part One, then your pad is ready and waiting. Also – this way, you don’t have to learn anything about her lifestyle, or politely admire her paperback collection, or think about buying condoms on the way. If she’s just not comfortable going home with you, that’s another story altogether, but if you’re just looking for a place to get it on, take her home with you!
2. Don’t offer drinks (unless it’s just one – dark liquor, neat, is sexier) or snacks. Don’t turn on all the lights, but don’t take the time to light candles either. If necessary, put on music, but don’t spend twenty minutes perusing your iTunes library or you’re bound to kill the mood. Get to the physical stuff as soon as possible – you want to be clear about your intentions. If it backfires and isn’t mutual, or it feels like kissing your sister (hey. . . this happens!), say goodnight gracefully. Don’t get too chatty, or you risk having her believe you might be interested in more than sex. If you want to talk, tell her how hot she’s making you, or flirt with the possibility of what’s to come.
3. After sex, relax for a little while, but don’t get cuddly. Remember what you came together for – and now it’s over (unless you both want to do it again). I suggest, cold as it might sound, that you very politely ask them to leave. This can happen before the clothes come off (“I hope you don’t mind, but I prefer sleeping alone. I can call you a cab later if you like.”) Be nice, but firm. There’s no better way to find yourself attached to someone quickly than to wake up naked in one another’s arms. Yikes. But if the sex is mind-blowing, there’s no reason to make it a one-off. Let’s be honest, mind-blowing sex is not easy to come by (no pun intended.) Instead, when you’re giving your last sweet post-coital good-night kiss at the door, mention that you’d love to see them naked again. Now’s a good time to take her number, if you haven’t already. *
4. The following day, it’s nice to send a “that was fun” text but not necessary. Say what you want to say while you’re together. Over-texting can easily send the wrong message. This can be part of your disclaimer: “I’m not one for texting, but give me your number, and maybe we can do this again, if you’d like to.” When you do get in touch, make sexting your JOB! No “How was your day at work?” messages; make it more in the realm of, “I can’t wait to put my mouth on you.”
5. If you think you’re clear to meet up again just for sex, then do so, but leave at least a week in between contact. You want to keep visits short and sweet to keep the sex lively and the message clear. There’s no need to introduce them to your friends or cook dinner every time. Call this person your lover if things continue. Keep communication open so if other feelings develop for one or both of you, you can either decide to follow them (maybe to a relationship after all!) or to end things before someone gets hurt. Having a lover is a tricky arrangement which generally doesn’t last very long before things start to change for both people.
*It’s easier to be clear about the kind of agreement you’re having when you show your boundaries up-front. Also, in the long run, if you’re clear and have open, honest communication from the start, things are less likely to get messy.
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