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How to Find Kinky Hookups

Woman in Handcuffs

Dear Holly,

I’ve always been interested in various aspects of BDSM, like bondage and discipline, engaging in role plays (I’m a natural dom, but I don’t mind playing a sub for fun), and using props like floggers and nipple clamps. I’m open to trying most anything with an adventurous partner.

I honestly can’t believe anyone is vanilla, but I do meet many women who are BDSM virgins and aren’t interested in exploring. Many even say they don’t have fantasies when I ask?!?

What’s the problem? I can’t seem to meet kinky women who are just into casual sex. I had a bad breakup after a long-term relationship not that long ago, so I’m just not into getting into anything serious. But I still want sex, and sex that’s fun and kinky! How or where do I find women who are into kinky hookups, but don’t want to tie me down (outside the bedroom!)

– Nate

Hi Nate,

So you want to have your cake… and eat it too? That’s okay, because knowing what you want is half the battle. A lot of people go out into the dating universe and end up hurting others because they aren’t clear on what or who they are looking for. So, in this respect, you’re ahead of the game.

For some reason a lot of men think that women all want serious long-term relationships, that few of us like playing the field just as much as many of you do. There are lots of reasons why women want casual sex. We also get out of relationships that end badly and then need a break. Maybe we just love sex and exploring different kinds of sex with different kinds of lovers.

The main issue to finding casual kinky partners is that many aspects of BDSM require a certain level of trust to enjoy safely. Is a woman going to let you tie her up after only knowing you for a few hours? Probably not. It can take months, if not longer, to develop the bond some lovers need to go to that level of intimacy.

So let’s look at some ways that you can find the kinky partners you crave.

4 Ways to Find Kinky Hookups

1. Hook Up with Someone You Know

We talk about the dos and don’ts for hookups with friends here quite a bit. Although I don’t recommend it for the most part, it does have its place. I wouldn’t suggest a kinky romp with your bestie gal pal, because that’s not worth the risk of ruining your friendship, but a casual kinky hookup with an acquaintance who knows you’re trustworthy might be the answer.

Think about casual friends and friends of friends. Maybe ask the woman you buy coffee from every day out on a date, or the woman who walks your co-worker’s dog. Not being a perfect stranger gives you some credentials that can take time to build. Think of it as a low-risk high-payoff gamble.

Read: 4 Kinks You Can Indulge through Casual Sex

2. Use Kinky Hookup Sites

You never know what you’re going to get when it comes to the grab bag that are mainstream dating sites. Yes, some are free, but the membership is so broad and most women do not share their sexual kinks or fetishes in their profiles.

On a niche dating site like BDSMdate.com, you’re going to find women who are looking for kinky hookups. These sites encourage a certain level of transparency that helps men and women find what they’re looking for in terms of sexual proclivities sooner.

Read: 4 Dating Sites for Kinky People

3. Join a Kink Community

Where you find a kink community can depend largely on where you live. Of course, large metropolitans are going to have a host of communities to join, but you may be surprised at what kinky folks are able to build in smaller cities and towns. Kinky folks find each other!

You may meet women at a local sex club, or through workshops for specific fetishes or kinks. You might find groups posted at a sex shop you frequent. Or you find BDSM munches through meetup sites online. You can also hire a professional to satisfy you in the short term and who can point you in the right direction, or scour online forums to find some communities close to where you live.

4. Put Your Kinks on the Table

Again this might depend on where you live, and how comfortable you are, but coming out as kinky and not keeping your interests in the kink closet can help to attract partners. You don’t have to shout it from the rooftops because word travels. A friend of yours might share that you’re into this or that with a friend who shares that with someone they know who shares your interests.

People love playing matchmaker, so if some of your friends know what you’re looking for, you may get connected without even trying. It’s a long shot, but using every possible tool in the box can only increase your chances of finding kink hookups with other kinky folks.

Want more ideas? Read our Tips for Kinky Hookups.

Let’s ask our readers for tips too! How and where do you find kinky hookups?

Hookup Help is a Q&A series. If you want advice or a woman’s perspective on hooking up, online dating, relationships, or sex, we want to hear from you. SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION, and who knows, you may appear in the next Hookup Land newsletter.

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