The Art of the One-Night Stand: Turning Online Flirting into Naked Rug Wrestling
Advice from a woman who likes casual sex and isn’t ashamed to admit it.
Part One: Preparing the Sex Cave
So, you’re about to meet your on-line interest for the first time, and you don’t want to be presumptuous, but you do want to be prepared. Setting out with an expired condom tucked inside your wallet just won’t cut it, I’m afraid. Here are some tips for men who are willing to plan ahead to increase their chances of getting some.
- Bathroom – If your date goes as well as you hope it will, chances are good that this is the first place your date will go to “powder” (or pee) once you’ve let her in. The last thing you want is to gross her out the door. Guys: please spend the 4.5 minutes it takes to get your bathroom girl-worthy. You know that toilet-scrubby thing in the plastic stand that came with the apartment? Swish it around inside the toilet until there are no rings around the porcelaine. Then put the seat down. Just this once. And make sure there’s at least one roll of toilet paper, obvi. Some form of soap is a nice touch, too. Shave your beard this morning? Or your – er, pubes? Grab the hand towel, wet it, give the whole sink area and the surrounding floor tiles a wipe, and give the mirror a once-over too, to erase all that toothpaste spray. Then replace the hand towel with a clean one, dirtbag. Now pull the shower curtain across the bathtub so your soap scum and Head and Shoulders disappears. Voila – Clean bathroom!
- Living Room – Got a carpet or rug in there? Then vacuum it! Quit moaning – the rug burn on your knees and elbows that you’ll be explaining at the gym tomorrow will be worth it. Seriously, if you both feel like passionately throwing down on the floor, there’s nothing like popcorn stuck to her back or nail clippings embedded in your ass cheeks to ruin the fun.
- Bedroom – This is most likely where you’ll end up, so pay attention. See those sheets on the bed? They should be clean. If you already change your sheets weekly, great. Exception: if you’ve recently got down and dirty with somebody else, it’s time to start fresh, duh. Girls know. Laundry day is tomorrow? A little Febreeze on the pillows is a nice touch. If you keep an extra set of sheets around, this all gets pretty easy. Also, make your bed before you go out. Then you have a choice: do it on top, or under the sheets, or both?
- Stock up! You should have clean towels and toilet paper in the bathroom, and a box of tissues, lube and (not-expired) condoms within reach of the bed. Also, if toys are your thing, they might be hers, too, so don’t forget to clean them before your date, and stash them somewhere nearby.
- Set the Mood – At risk of giving away too much of my M.O., I will say that I like to keep a bottle of something dark and malty on hand for these special rendezvous. I find scotch or bourbon are sexy drinks to offer. If things go well, you won’t be standing around sipping a second one anyway, so feel free to splurge on something fine and sophisticated. If you’ve got the option, dim the lights before you leave, so that when you and your date enter, all hot and bothered, you don’t have to shock your systems with a glaring wave of wattage. Also, if you’ve got something mellow or sexy on the turntable/CD player/ITunes playlist beforehand, a flip of a switch will prevent the inevitable cooling-off period resulting from your frantic search for appropriate music. Prevent this at all costs.
- Protect Your Privacy! Importantly, though I hate to say it: don’t leave anything lying around that gives away too much personal information, like bills, pay stubs, letters, journals, overly personal photos, – and if you’re the kind of person who’s got wads of cash lying about, I’d advise against it on this occasion. I like to think the best of everyone, but I’m also no dummy. Keep things uncomplicated so there are no regrets. Or stalkers.
Look, I can’t promise that following the above advice will get you laid. What I can say is that, as a woman who frequently dates, apartment hygiene is very important. If she suddenly feels like she’s walked into her little brother’s dorm room, she will not be peeling off her panties. Also, if you take the time to make her feel comfortable, she will be focused on you, and you will be organized and prepared enough to be able to focus 100% on her. It’s a win-win, see? Now let the sexyfuntimes begin!
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Got more ideas for prepping for a sex-fest? Leave them in the comments!