Sometimes you have chemistry with someone, but it suddenly disappears.
Imagine this: you have someone who you’ve been circling for weeks. You met them somewhere random, but you feel enough magic to want to keep the connection flame burning. You feel like this person is going to be part of your immediate present and foreseeable future.
Yes, the first date is going well, you’re sharing food, talking about this and that, flirting back and forth. You think, here WE go, this person is going to be a new addition to my polyamory family! You think about the time and space you will make for this special soul.
And then you have your first intimate experience—BOOM—an awesome time having sex. Voila, you’ve made the spectacular sexy times happen and the chemistry is great. It’s memorable. It’s chill. It’s consensual. It’s special.
BUT… what happens if the chemistry just CHANGES for either one of you, after it happens?
Sudden Changes in Sexual Chemistry
Sometimes, it’s like that. And I’m NOT talking about the people you get with and you really don’t intend on having more than a one-night booty call with them, and never really sought to share anything more.
Casual sex is totally valid and acceptable if you’re honest about your intentions and desires. And hopefully when meeting someone with those same intentions and desires, you can both fuck with reckless abandon like there’s no tomorrow, because you both have established the promise that THERE IS no tomorrow after this rocket ship of a relationship! It’s going up, and it’s going down ASAP—safe and sound!
I speak of something more subtle—unexpected and undesirable—something where the person you THOUGHT you were going to have a great bond with ends before it even starts. The chemistry fizzles. The intentions change. The magic all but disappears. And it’s nobody’s fault, really. Sometimes, the mystery of connection just falls apart for unknown reasons!
Sometimes, there ARE known reasons why things don’t work out, little red flags on a first date that tip you off but you are blind to for an extended period of time. You realize they aren’t the dream date you thought they were all this time… it happens to the best of us!
What to do When Chemistry Disappears?
So what’s next? It’s time for The Moment of Truth. You have to tell them you’ve had a change of heart.
There’s no point in going on for weeks or months in a situation where you’re not feeling a desire to show up. It’s hard, and it’s confusing, but it’s better than deceiving them or yourself.
Sometimes, things fall apart. And when they fall apart, you have to clean up the pieces and keep going.
You can still be friends or maybe try being partners in the future again if you feel like exploring: was it something internal or external that separated you from the magic?
Or you can just cut your losses and accept that nobody wins them all, and it’s nobody’s fault that expectations sometimes fall short. Whether it was from some kind of micro-management of the potential or some subtle psychological or physical discomfort that became too much to handle, or something worse, you have to do what you know is right. Tell them and make peace and space.
You’ll both be okay. But make sure you are first, then they are. The airplane dive-bombing metaphor applies. And just like on a real flight: turbulence does NOT always mean the plane is going to crash! You may just be going through a rough period of adjustment before you level out again and keep going to your dream destination.
So don’t get angry at them or yourself. Just know that potential is a tricky substance.
Addi “Malcolm Lovejoy” Stewart