Have you ever had a secret hookup?
We all have our sexual secrets. Not everyone shares their sex and love life with their friends and family.
While some folks are the type to brag on Instagram about every hottie they bed, others are having secret hookups and their loved ones are none the wiser.
Here are 14 reasons people keep their hookups to themselves, and some tips for how to keep your own secret hookups private.
Why People Have Secret Hookups
Everyone has their own reasons for what they choose to keep private.
If you’re interested in setting up your own secret hookups, be sure to check out our favorite spots:
1. It’s just sex.
Sex is sex. Not everyone wants to analyze it after with friends. You’d be surprised at the number of hookups your friends have had that you know nothing about.
2. Out of respect to their lovers.
Some people keep things quiet because they are not the only ones in the picture. You don’t have to worry about fallout when you keep your hookup stories to yourself.
3. They’re married, or their lovers are married.
Married people seeking something on the side famously keep things on the down low. This may be out of guilt, and it may be that they don’t want to hurt their spouses.
Those dating or hooking up with married people may also want to keep things secret.
4. They are gay.
If someone is still in the closet, or simply doesn’t want to bring attention to his or her orientation, they may keep things quiet.
5. They are kinky.
Not everyone broadcasts their secret desires to the world. It might cause harm to their families or their job, or maybe they fear hurting their friends or being misunderstood.
6. They feel shame, or fear judgement.
Some people feel guilty about their sexual behavior, or feel they won’t be understood, so better to keep things under the radar. Sadly, slut shaming still exists.
7. Their culture or religion wouldn’t approve.
Some societies are still very closed to female sexuality in particular. Some aren’t open to gay romance, kink, or polyamory. Some don’t approve of premarital sex at all.
8. They don’t need anyone’s validation.
Some keep their business to themselves. They don’t need the accolades or approval of their conquests or adventurous spirit.
9. They like things the way they are and don’t want meddling friends and family involved.
Some just don’t want to rock the boat. Things are good the way they are and saying more could start the gossip grapevine.
10. They like to keep parts of their life separate.
Most of us compartmentalize our lives to a certain degree. Some folks may enjoy a casual sex life daily, but work all-night ER. Some may be part of an underground BDSM community, but have a high-profile journalism job. Never the twain shall meet.
11. They date sex workers.
Some people have a busy life and want no-fuss sex to satisfy their needs. They might hire sex workers. Society finds this difficult to swallow, and lovers don’t want to endanger their lovers who are vulnerable on the job.
12. They have assured “discretion” to their lovers.
Ever check out a dating profile and read the phrase “discretion assured”? That’s a nice way of saying “your secrets are safe with me.” It means no one will know we are dating or what we do in bed. It can also mean that no one will ask a lot of questions unless you want to talk.
This is from an old-fashioned era of classified ads where unsatisfied married partners were looking for discreet encounters—we call them hookups nowadays.
It doesn’t matter if your lover is famous and doesn’t want paparazzi following her, if she is married and cheating, or if she is just shy—if you’ve promised to be discreet, you should be.
13. They aren’t playing by the rules.
Some people are hooking up with forbidden fruit—not just adultery, but sometimes having sex with co-workers, employees, teachers, cousins, or neighbors. Whatever the relationship, they know its off limits or wrong.
14. They don’t think their sex life is anyone else’s business.
Lots of people simply don’t see any need whatsoever to tell you or anyone else about their hookups, what porn they watch, or when they jack off. These people also keep secrets told to them.
Secret Hookups: No One’s Business
A quick story about when I realized that everyone is having secret hookups, and it’s nobody else’s business.
When I was still a starry-eyed teenager, some well-meaning friends and I tried to set up a blind date for our piano teacher. She was a cloud of perfume, had big red hair and was as wide as the piano. Her laugh was musical. We all adored her. It was a small community so we saw her at the shops, at church, at school plays, you name it, and she was always alone. We felt sorry for her and wanted her to meet a nice man.
The matchmaking bombed, but eventually she forgave us because we were stupid kids. But I’ll never forget what she said. I wailed, “But you haven’t gone on a date in ten years, and we wanted you to be happy!” And that’s when she grew serious and said,
“It’s no one’s business, but I suppose teenage girls are too curious for their own good. If you must know, ladies, I’ve more lovers than you can count on your fingers.”
Just because Ms. Rose didn’t settle down, attend events with a man, or broadcast her private life through town, we assumed she was lonely and sexless—WRONG.
How to Keep Your Hookup Secret
If you want to keep your hookups secret, the best way to do so is to simply tell no one. If you live alone, this is easy. If friends ask what you did last night, no need to lie outright—just be discreet. You went for a drive. You listened to a new album. You caught up on some emails.
If you live with family, just say you went to “see a friend.”
There are online dating sites for secret hookups for married people, for people in restrictive cultures, or for discreet adults.
You can also tell closer friends who are worried about you that you aren’t “hard up” or “lonely” and get what you need for the time being while focusing on your studies or work or passions or family—whatever keeps you busy.
How important is discretion to you when it comes to your hookups? Please share!