Are you wondering how to initiate sex with your partner? Who should make the first move?
If we always knew that every time we initiate sex, that our partner would be 100% receptive, we would never hesitate. But we aren’t always sure, even with a partner we’ve been with for years.
How to Initiate Sex without Fear of Rejection
Because the ego can be fragile at times, it can be challenging to initiate sex for fear of rejection.
You think, are they in the mood? The last time they didn’t feel like it, will they feel like it now? Is there something underlying their disinterest that they’re not telling me about? Do they still find me attractive?
Unfortunately sexual rejection can send our minds reeling, even though most of the time it’s not personal.
I do think men deal with the fear of rejection more. One, because they initiate sex more, and also because they reject sex less. A woman is more likely to reject sex because she is distracted with other issues in her life than a man is.
The longer you are with a partner, the more likely you will be able to read their body language and know when is not a good time to initiate sex, therefore avoid unnecessary rejection.
I don’t view a partner’s choice to not have sex as rejection because it’s not usually personal. Your partner—girlfriend, wife, lover—is WITH you, so how can it be rejection? They just don’t want sex in this particular moment.
5 Ways to Initiate Sex
1. Choose the Right Time
Know when your partner is in the mood to begin with. You may be horny and up for sex all day, every day. But if your partner is very particular about when and how often she has sex, respect that.
If you’ve only ever had sex once in the morning, don’t go for it when you wake up. Initiate at night.
A woman is most receptive to you initiating sex when she is relaxed, so don’t make any moves the night before her big presentation at work or her final exam at school.
2. Set the Scene
Some women like a romantic prelude to sex. A nice dinner out or after a loving gesture like a backrub. Maybe you surprise her by cleaning the house, lighting candles, and running a bath before she walks in.
Know that little things go a long way—they are recognized and sometimes “rewarded” by a hot sex session.
3. Take Your Time
You love her boobs and pussy, no doubt, but women don’t want to be grabbed by the genitals. Remember how long it took to get to the touching part of sex when you were younger?
And foreplay doesn’t have to start in person. It can be a full day of flirty texts from work. It can be a week-long buildup because you’ve both had crazy schedules that make both of you too tired for sex.
4. Prioritize Your Lover’s Pleasure
When you initiate sex, it’s sharing that you have a desire you want fulfilled. Before that happens, because you know it will if things go through, focus on your partner’s arousal and pleasure.
You probably know the moves your partner responds to most. If not, focus on finding them. Daily affection, playful touch, and caressing go a long way towards mutual interest in sex.
5. Be Open and Experimental
Sex gets stale in long-term relationships. Just think back to how you were when you first got together. Were you doing it on the couch, on a table? Did you have middle-of-the-night sex? Were you watching porn together? Things tend to steadily decline in adventure and frequency as time go by.
Being an attentive partner includes noticing her reactions, responses, and interest—in sexual practices she may read about, watch on tv or in a movie, hear about from a friend. When you have an inkling that she may be keen to try something new, use that as an initiation springboard.
Who Should Initiate Sex
Ideally, both partners initiate sex half of the time. But this doesn’t happen in most relationships. There is usually one partner who either has a higher sex drive and/or is more confident with initiating.
There is a power dynamic of different degrees between men and women, and this plays a part also. The man may naturally be more dominant and see that as his role. A woman may be comfortable never initiating sex and see her acceptance or “rejection” as her own source of power.
A healthy relationship will have both partners feeling comfortable to initiate sex or reject sex, with both feeling okay about either.
What If Your Partner Doesn’t Initiate Sex
If you are the only one to ever initiate sex, and you are fine with this and sex happens some of the time, then there is no problem.
However, if you are the only one to ever initiate sex and your partner declines every time over a long period of time, there are usually bigger problems in your relationship that need addressing.
I don’t think sexual “rejection” in a relationship needs to be taken personally, but I do see how that can be done if it goes on and on and on. Then it feels less about them not wanting sex and more about them not wanting sex with you.
At this point, it’s time to talk about things, and these are not easy conversations to have. How long you go with initiating and being turned down before you have The Talk is up to you.
Your relationship may have a sexual rhythm that you recognize is off, or you may notice that your partner isn’t initiating but used to more frequently.
My best advice is to talk sooner rather than later about your concerns. The longer you let things go, the longer it can take to get things back on track.
Who initiates sex more in your relationship?