I learned something MIND BLOWING the other day. I was sitting with a guy friend of mine, enjoying a coffee and chatting about a recent post I had written about foreplay when he said, “The women I’ve dated never seem to realize that I need foreplay too. They always go straight for the cock.” I sat speechless for a few moments. I tried to think of what might even constitute foreplay for a man and felt at an embarrassing loss. It occurred to me that I had been harboring a very narrow view of what men desire and it shocked me that this is the first time I had been called on it.
He continued to point out that part of what appeals to him about going to strip clubs is the foreplay-esque feel of the lap dance, that having his partner take the time to tease and touch him all over is just as crucial to his enjoyment as it would be to mine. My god… really?! Whatever made me think it was all about the cock? Oh right. The fact that not ONE of my partners ever said that it wasn’t.
I found out that none of the women my friend dated, ever once thought to give him the all-over attention he desired and that it made him resent the many tender things he had to do for them; so much so that he sometimes tried to rush through foreplay, just to get to the one activity he felt would give him a decent amount of pleasure. At that moment I felt a major shift in my brain as I recalled the many times I had labelled various partners’ rushes to the finish line as sexual urgency and it occurred to me that there must be lots of things I never realized about the men I’ve dated.
Why did no one speak up? Is it because they’d been conditioned never to talk about their feelings? Is it that they didn’t want to appear needy and vulnerable? Well, crap you guys! We ladies can’t read your minds! If you don’t advocate for what you need in the sack, who will?
Sadly, we’ve been raised in a society that promotes a very restrictive view of gender-related sex roles. As women we seem to have two options: to be the passive recipient of a man’s desires or to be a dominatrix. We’re led to believe that a man can practically blow his load just by touching our breasts; that a man’s desire is so massive and so in need of satiation that our job is to simply grant him access to our bodies. And men! Don’t you know your job is to be ready to fuck at all times?! Unless you say otherwise, how are we to know you need more than that?
As a side note, I’d be interested to see if my friend is in the minority. Do any of you guys feel that you want a richer, more varied sexual experience? (If so, start asking for it!) And for those of you who are satisfied with the way things are… may you continue to enjoy yourselves in all of your cock-centric lovin’.