Most of us have trouble talking about sex with partners, especially in a casual context. Sure you might have the confidence to have a robust casual sex life, but are you truly able to share fantasies or what you’d like to happen when you’re naked.
How satisfying are your hookups? Are you really enjoying yourself, or do you think it could be better if you were able to express your particular needs and desires?
The biggest thing that has helped me express my sexual desires is becoming older. Confidence comes naturally for many people with age. This, along with experience, enables a person to not worry about what someone will say in reaction—mature women have zero fucks to give about fucking.
But you can’t speed up the aging process, so how can you talk about sex if you’re younger (or older) and find it challenging?
How to Ask for the Sex You Want
1. Write It in Your Dating Profile
This option works for those of you who are shy or get tongue tied just at the thought of talking about sex. You can put this in your profile bio or under what you’re looking for (e.g., “I’m looking for kinky women into bondage and role play.”)
This can save you time and help you to zero in on your desires, but it can exclude or turn off a number of women who may be open, but are not into the straight-out-of-the-gates approach. Some of us are up for trying just about anything, but we want to get to know a guy and build a little trust, even with casual sex partners.
2. Watch Porn Together
Show, don’t tell. Again, this won’t be every woman’s pick for communicating desires, but it is one way to share your sexual tastes and kinks without saying almost anything. Just press play on a scene that turns your crank, and she’ll figure it out, especially if you start touching yourself or her while it’s playing.
Suss out her interest in porn to begin with, as many women don’t watch at all or are only interested in women-friendly porn.
3. Take Turns
Turn sharing into a game. For me, sex and all it entails is a lot more satisfying when it’s fun because real-life sex isn’t the serious, intense, romantic, heavy act that we grow up seeing portrayed in movies and on TV or reading about in books. Sex is awkward, silly, funny, animalistic, and full of the unexpected.
Share something you like, and then listen to what she has to say, and go back and forth. Promise no judgement, and discover what common interests you have.
The more you talk about sex, the easier it gets. You don’t have to put in your 10,000 hours with this (although that might be fun!) but you do have to sometimes take that leap of faith. If you want to try having a woman ride you for the first time, that’s not an unusual request so she’ll probably be happy to jump on top. But if you want to be tied up and penetrated with a strap-on, you may want to wait until you’ve hooked up a few times before you share.
5. Find the Right Partner
When hookup culture is part of your lifestyle, you expect the ups and downs of searching for sexual compatibility—sometimes you are going to find that sexual intensity that explodes and sometimes you are going to have sex even if it’s not a match made in heaven because you just want to get your rocks off. But if you do want to be able to talk about sex and pleasing your partner is a top priority, compatibility in the bedroom is important.
You’ll know when you find this person because talking to her will feel natural and not forced, and you won’t be worried about her response, and she will feel comfortable talking to you about her needs and desires. The catch is, you both may want something more than sex—but that’s not so bad, is it?
Are you at ease when it comes to talking about what you want sexually? Please share!