What If She Wants It More than You Do?

It’s something awkward that we don’t often talk about: some women have stronger sex drives than their partners. We don’t talk about it because we’re taught that sex is something that men “win” by way of conquest and that women use the option of denying them their “prize” as a way of shifting the power dynamic. But what happens when our desires don’t sync with these gender-specific rules of sexual conduct? Maybe you’re a guy who could do with only the occasional roll in the hay while your lady feels that she could live in the barn? How do you handle a difference like this in a sensitive and enlightened way? Here are a few suggestions.

Don’t Punish Her for It
You might think that I’m a bit of a jerk for suggesting that you would ever punish your partner for wanting you, but punishment can be doled out in really subtle ways and you might not be aware that you’re doing it. I’ve dated men with lower sex drives than mine and at times I’ve found myself the recipient of some very passive-aggressive comments about my desires and the fact that my approach is somewhat “masculine” because I’m open and direct about what I want. I suspect the men who delivered these comments felt thrown off, and maybe even emasculated by my needs and in response, decided to make a joke that called into question my femininity. If you really care about your partner and want her to continue to feel safe and desired in your relationship, I would recommend steering clear of such comments. Try to let go of that narrow view of gender-mediated desire and accept that sex is a human need deserved by all.

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Don’t Try to Fake It
Forcing yourself to engage in sex when you aren’t feeling it is never a good idea. It’s completely unfair to you, not to mention deceiving to your partner. I realize that as a man it’s difficult to fake a boner, but it’s easy to be pulled down the path to one and hope for the best. Maybe you feel a little ambivalent about it, and you want to see what your cock decides? That’s one thing, but willing yourself to get hard for the sole purpose of failing to disappoint is a cruel expectation to place on yourself. As a woman I can tell you that it’s pretty obvious when this is happening. There’s a palpable difference between a man’s genuine need to cum and his concerted effort to perform against all odds. Just talk to your partner and tell her that you’re not horny at the moment. You don’t have to be defensive about it, just matter of fact. If your levels of desire are so far apart that you find yourself having to turn her down a crazy amount of times, you might want to consider a larger conversation about your sexual compatibility as a couple.

Be Honest with Her from the Start
At some point in your relationship, the question of sexual need and frequency is bound to come up. In my experience, guys are very quick to say that they could do it “all day, every day,” but we know that’s not true. Maybe you feel that way at the very beginning, especially if you’ve been without sex for a long time, but in reality, how long could you maintain such a pace? It’s okay to be honest. If you know that you really only need sex once a week or once a month, be up front about it. The whole point of dating is to find someone who wants the same things you do, so for the sake of your own happiness, be true to yourself and be open with your partner about what you really need. It’s well worth it in the end.

Also read: What If You Want It More than She Does?

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