Hookup Help: Getting Laid through Online Dating

Q: Dear, Tia. I’m new to online dating and need your help. A friend of mine has been doing it for 10 years. I asked him about his approach, and he bragged to me about how easy it is for him to find women to fuck, just by being totally direct with them about what he wants. He said he basically uses the shotgun approach, messaging every woman in a 50 km radius. Then if a woman responds, he tells her that he’s only interested in being friends with benefits, telling her that dating is a waste of time and that if the sex is hot enough and there is a connection, he might consider a relationship.

I’ve been doing the same thing, but it’s not working for me. My friend says it’s because I don’t have the confidence he does. I think he’s right, but I also think it’s that I don’t feel comfortable with treating women that way. Please help. I really need to get laid. – Rob

A: Hi, Rob. Your friend is right about some things, but not all. Confidence is really important for attracting women. It’s a signal to us that you feel secure in yourself and in your ability to satisfy our needs – sexually and otherwise. It also gives us a clue that you’re emotionally strong enough to take care of yourself and won’t be a drain on us in that way. That said, confidence is not ALL that’s required. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being direct about what you want. Lots of women are also looking for friends with benefits. It’s important, though, to treat every woman individually and with respect. No woman likes to receive a mass message, and trust me, it’s usually pretty obvious!

Take some time to read her profile. If you’re really interested in her (even if it’s just for sex), mention something specific about her interests or how you feel the two of you could relate to each other. This will help her feel more comfortable and as a result, be more likely to open herself up to meeting you. I also don’t agree with the conditions your friend puts on starting relationships. I think it’s perfectly fine to say straight out that he just wants sex, but it’s not okay to offer the possibility of a relationship if he’s not that serious about starting one. It sounds to me like your friend is full of shit and probably doesn’t get laid as often as he claims.

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Hookup Help is a Q&A series. If you want advice or a female’s perspective on hooking up, online dating, relationships, or sex… we want to hear from you. SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION, and who knows, you may appear in the next Hookup Land newsletter. -xo Jenny and Tia

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