Help! She’s Giving Me Blue Balls

Dear Tia,

I’ve been seeing this girl for over a month. We met online and I was under the impression that she was looking for a casual hookup. We sexted a lot before we met, and her profile said she didn’t want anything serious. I thought for sure we’d be fucking by now, but no luck.

We’ve been on about five dates. Sometimes it’s hard to get her to meet me. She says she’s got a stressful job and that she’s really tired by the end of the day. She works in retail, so I guess that’s possible? Sometimes I wonder if she’s using that as an excuse.

We’ve made out a few times. I got to third-base once, but she didn’t come, and she didn’t give me a blowjob. She said it takes her a while to get comfortable enough to orgasm in front of a guy. I’m confused. Why would she go online looking for a hookup if she needs more than that?

I think she’s nice and she’s really hot, but I don’t want to be involved in anything this complicated. I kind of want to cut my losses and move on, but it took me forever to find someone who actually wanted to meet up in real life. Also, I’ve put in lots of time and energy into this. It’s got to pay off at some point, right? I just want to get laid. – Gavin

Hi Gavin,

I hear your frustration. It’s no fun to get your hopes up time and time again, only to be disappointed. You have to decide if the frustration is bearable. If you can’t wait for her libido to catch up to yours, you should probably call it quits. You can’t think of the time you put in so far as an investment, as there’s no guarantee that it will pay off. That’s just how dating goes.

As for your confusion over why she won’t fuck you, it sounds like she’s explained things pretty clearly. She needs to know a guy a bit and feel comfortable with him before getting physical. That doesn’t mean she’s not looking for something casual, just that she has different needs and a different timeline than you.

She also mentioned that her job tires her out. I’m sure this is a legitimate complaint. Retail work is exhausting, and some women need to feel fortified both physically and emotionally before engaging in sex. She’s actually given you lots of information about what she needs and what you can expect from her. It’s not her fault that you don’t like what she’s offering you.

It sounds like you haven’t put any pressure on her to have sex, and that’s great. The last thing you want to do is guilt her or make her feel like she’s doing something wrong. She’s just being herself and being honest with regards to her needs.

Wait for her or not. In the mean time, stop believing that she owes you anything. – Tia

Hookup Help is a Q&A series. If you want advice or a female’s perspective on hooking up, online dating, relationships, or sex, we want to hear from you. SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION, and who knows, you may appear in the next Hookup Land newsletter.

Ready to Find Local Hookups?

Explore the Best Hookup Sites for Getting Laid in 2022.

Find Hookups Now

Tell us what you think

Notify of
1 Comment
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments