Dear Tia,
My girlfriend and I have been in a long-distance relationship for about three months now. It’s hard, but we’re managing. We talk on the phone at least once a day and exchange steamy texts here and there. I would love to have Skype sex with her, but she’s shy. She says it will make her feel too much like a porn star and that she’d be triggered by seeing herself on camera (she has body issues.)
Last night she suggested that we try good old fashioned phone sex instead, and my brain just froze. I’m not the best talker to begin with and the added pressure of getting her off just compounded my awkwardness. I really want to please her, but I have no idea where to start, and she’s not willing to give me any hints. She said it will lose all of its impact if she has to tell me what to do. She wants me to be spontaneous, but that’s just not who I am.
Also, not being able to see her, it will be hard to know if what I’m saying is making her uncomfortable. I’m pretty good at reading her body language and knowing when to change course, but I’m not confident in my ability to pick up on verbal cues, especially if they’re subtle. Did I mention that I’m not the greatest listener either?
Please help! – Dan
Hi Dan,
Phone sex is a lot of fun, but I agree that it can be challenging when you’re nervous. Start slow. Try mutual masturbation, without the expectation of dirty talk. If, in the process, you happen to think of sexy things to say, go crazy! Once you try this a few times, you might discover that you feel more inclined to kick things up a notch by assuming different characters and creating erotic storylines.
The key is to relax and get out of your head. Don’t be afraid to say the first thing that comes to mind. It might sound completely ridiculous and the two of you might laugh about it, but that’s okay. Phone sex is pretty hilarious to begin with, and laughter is a powerful aphrodisiac.
As for your girlfriend expecting you to do all the work, phone sex runs on give and take, and requires even more communication than conventional sex to make it work. If she’s too shy in the moment to engage, brainstorm some role-play ideas over text. Talk about desires and limits, and establish safe words if you’re worried about offending her. Before long, you’ll be burning up the phone lines.
Do you engage in phone sex? Share your tips in the comments!
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