We all know the type of guy who gets involved in toxic, volatile relationships, calls us crying in the middle of the night after a big breakup, then two days later is on cloud nine, grinning from ear to ear and is flushed and glowing.
Every time the phone rings, you know your friend has broken up again, but he goes back. You wonder if he’s addicted to drama or the make-up sex. Maybe that someone is you.
For sure, we’ve all experienced it at least once—the most incredible sex that takes place after a giant blow out with a lover.
Maybe you’ve found yourself more than once in a bad way, not able to let go of a lover who you were always getting into heated rows with. You felt like the relationship was poisonous, but nothing else came close to the sex you had after an intense argument.
But what gives? Why is sex with someone you hated yesterday better than sex with the most beautiful or easy-going partner? It’s not your imagination. That make-up sex is extra hot is a scientifically validated fact. Here’s what’s going on.
Why Make-Up Sex Is Hot
Adrenaline and Arousal
When you argue, temperatures rise. Your body is pumped full of adrenaline, hormones, and other markers of extreme arousal. All systems are on high alert. Your heart is pumping. The same chemicals flood your body during fear and pain, which is why BDSM is also sexy to many. The emotional arousal is actually physical.
Psychologists and scientists call it “arousal transfer” when the emotional volatility you are experiencing transfers over to sex. The sex that takes place, then, is not just sweet or fun, but feels intense and hungry and devouring.
That sense of almost losing something you love and bonding back onto common ground is an incredibly powerful gain. On a less intense scale, think about how much more you love your dog after you rescue her when she has run away or gotten lost—you might not feel your affection as strongly when she simply jumps up when you’re both safely at home.
If you lose something, then find it, you love it more than ever in that moment. If someone you love almost dies, you get a powerful jolt of relief and an extra surge of love when they make it through the storm.
The same principle is operating here: reconciliation relief when you re-bond with someone you were almost severed from.
Risk and danger are always powerful sexual stimulants. Casual hookups, sex in public, new or unfamiliar practices, taboos, and unsafe sex are just a few of the many things we find exciting and risks we take for erotic thrill.
When everything is harmonious and familiar and safe, or when we are used to something, it’s not as titillating.
A good old-fashioned argument can infuse our romance with conflict and risk, and suddenly sex is searing hot again.
Why do men and women cheat with average joes and janes when they happen to be in a great relationship already with a stunning partner? It happens all the time. Why do folks find themselves in love with a teacher or coworker or priest or a married man? Why do guys want the girl who never calls back when ten are begging for him?
Forbidden love is tantalizing and amps up lust. So when you break up or enter into conflict with a lover, that sudden shift to off limits changes everything in an instant. Suddenly you want her bad, and sex feels so good.
What’s your experience with make-up sex? Share your story in the comments!