How accomplished are you when it comes to online dating? Are you a self-proclaimed pro, admitted amateur, or complete novice?
Finding matches, let alone securing hookups over the internet, requires skill. Take our quiz to see if you’ve got what it takes!
Choose the option that best describes you.
1. It’s time to choose a profile pic, you…
A) Run with your phone to the bathroom mirror and start flexing.
B) Snap a series of selfies, each more brooding than the last.
C) Search your social media accounts for current pics of you in your natural setting, doing something fun and authentic.
D) Post ten pictures of your penis and hope the mods don’t notice.
2. You’ve had enough experience with online dating to know what you DON’T want. In an attempt to communicate this, you…
A) Write a detailed and thoughtful description of your ideal match.
B) Punctuate your profile with declarations like, “No fatties,” “No uggos,” or “No drama.”
C) List a bunch of porn stars that you would like to bone, then put out a casting call.
D) Post a dick pic with the caption, “Serious Applicants Only.”
3. You’ve chosen to cast your net wide and connect with as many women as possible, you…
A) Write a form letter that sounds personalized enough to trick the ladies into thinking you’ve put some effort in: “Hi gorgeous, u seem very cool. I like ur profile.”
B) Shotgun it with words like, “Hi” or “Sup.”
C) Put time and effort into searching for potential matches, then send thoughtful messages based on areas of compatibility or other points of interest.
D) Send unsolicited dick pics to every woman on the site.
4. A woman you’ve been messaging with suddenly stops responding, you…
A) Send ONE casual-sounding message that addresses the fact that she must be busy and that you look forward to hearing from her.
B) Block her, and move on.
C) Send ten messages in thirty minutes, shifting in tone from polite to desperate to outright hostile.
D) Send her forty-eight dick pics, one for every hour you’ve known and lusted after her.
5. Things are heating up on the texting front with a woman you have yet to meet in real life, you…
A) Sext her relentlessly from morning to night, regardless of whether or not she continues to respond.
B) Put the pressure on to meet, suggesting that you expect her to deliver on all her “promises.”
C) Pay attention to the vibe she’s projecting. Enjoy the sextfest while it lasts, but be ready to cool it when she stops reciprocating.
D) Ask if she wants to see a picture of your dick, then wait for the green light before actually sending it.
1. A)3 B)2 C)4 D)1
2. A)4 B)3 C)2 D)1
3. A)2 B)3 C)4 D)1
4. A)4 B)3 C)2 D)1
5. A)2 B)1 C)4 D)3
I’m willing to bet the world has seen way too much of your peen. Either that, or you’re lazy and entitled enough to think that women will flock to you, even though you put zero effort into wooing them. It’s time to put your dick away, and try a more respectful approach.
11-16: Work in Progress
You know some of what it takes to succeed in online dating, but you make mistakes. Sometimes you get frustrated and say or do things that affect your chances of making and maintaining connections, but there is hope for you. Keep doing your research, and don’t give up!
17-20: Head of the Class
You’re doing great! Why are you taking this quiz when you could be hooking up with one of the many women you’ve surely impressed? Nobody’s perfect, but you are well on your way to online dating mastery. Keep up the good work!