Last week I wrote the post “What Is Porny Sex?,” and why it sucks so hard. I’ve since conducted an informal poll with girlfriends, and the results are in: 95% of us have experienced it first hand. How do we know? We left the bed feeling like cum-encrusted Fleshlights rather than the wonderful goddesses we are.
So how can we banish porny sex from our lives once and for all? I have no idea, but I do have some suggestions for how to start the process.
Lay Off the Porn
Porn is powerfully stimulating. It’s basically a triple shot of espresso for the sexual pleasure and reward centers of your brain. If you watch porn daily, or find that you can no longer successfully masturbate without it, you’re probably hooked.
If you’re hooked on porn, you will develop a growing tolerance for what used to turn you on. You’ll need more and more stimulation to feel aroused, and all of your real-life sexual experiences will start to feel slow and boring compared to the action you’ve watched over and over again in your favorite videos. I know that porn can be a really hard thing to give up, but cutting back even a little bit can help you to reconnect with the authentic parts of your sexual self.
Connect with Your Partner Outside the Bedroom
Do something fun with your partner that doesn’t culminate in an orgasm. Plan a nice dinner or go for a walk and talk, take a class together or go to a concert or event that you have both been looking forward to. Get back to the things that made you feel something for one another in the first place!
Sex doesn’t have to be about love, but good sex has a certain degree of trust and sharing at its core that requires some kind of deeper bond. Last week, I called porny sex a “soulless filling of holes.” Connecting more outside the bedroom should help turn things around by reminding you of the feelings that you are ultimately trying to express between the sheets.
Even more important than the connection you share with your partner is the one you have with yourself. I’ve written about sex and mindfulness before, so I will keep this short. Try to spend some time alone each day, meditating or just noticing your breath and your ongoing stream of thoughts. Don’t try to control any of it, just pay attention while letting it all flow.
Getting in touch with yourself in this way will help you be more present in your body when it comes time to get it on. Porny sex results in part from this kind of disconnection between your mind and body. If you find that your mind is filled to the brink with pornographic imagery, try to cut back on the porn even more and have patience. Give yourself time to detox.
Encourage Her to Take the Lead Sexually
Don’t try to control or even influence the pace of things, just relax and enjoy the ride. This can feel like a difficult task, especially if your brain has been marinated in a persistent mixture of sexual images and scenarios. Every part of you might scream to act out certain scenes so that you can get your fix, but trust me when I say that real, improvised sex will deliver a greater payoff in the long run.
Encourage her to show you what she likes, and practice receiving what she has to offer. With time, you should notice that your sex life goes from porny to glori… ous. (Sorry for that!)