How to Communicate Online with a Potential Hookup

Here I go, ranting, again.

This is NOT an age issue: I may be getting older, but certainly not old. (Unless you think low-30’s is old, in which case I have nothing left to say to you.) This is an issue regarding communication—the dos and don’ts of direct-messaging a cold-call hookup. And although age can have something to do with the way we communicate, I prefer to think that consideration plays a bigger part. As in: consider what the potential hookup on the other end of the line might actually respond to (or not).

Textspeak. u lk 2 fuk? n 2? Do they even understand what you’re saying? It’s amazing how far a complete sentence (and the ability to write one) can go. You and your friends might poo-poo those of us who can spell, but let me assure you: we’re all laughing at you behind your back. Use the goddam dictionary if you have to. In all fairness, there are plenty of hookups who only use textspeak and manage quite well. Stick with them if you have to and we’ll all be happy.

Forwardness. You’re not the only one online looking for sex, so it’s no surprise to hear your request.  But is it necessary to kick things off with Looking to fuck tonight…? How about opening with a polite greeting, like, say, Hello, or, Awesome profile. Engaging someone will help set you apart from the rest. The fuckspeak will follow.

Read it first! It’s so easy to tell when someone chooses their hits based on the pic alone: they get it all wrong. They ask questions to which the answers are easily found in the profile, offer to do things you’ve clearly labeled as off-limits, and they’re not interested in what you’ve identified as interesting to you. Can’t read or too lazy to read: either way, you’re toast.

Show your personality. Messages, emails, texts — they’re all risky in that their tone can be misinterpreted. You might think I’m feeling sexy tonight is effectively communicating your irresistible sexiness, but it can just as easily come across as creepy. Write with your “speaking voice” and try to make an impression in a way that has nothing to do with sex. Until the hookup bites, that is — then “feel sexy tonight” all you want.

Is it too much to ask for a hookup who’s done the research (how long does it take to read a profile?!), is polite, interesting, and can complete the spelling of a word without resorting 2 numbers?

The rest of us hope not.

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