How to Ask for What You Want in Bed

Have you ever found yourself lying there after sex, satisfied to a degree but feeling that something is missing? Sure you got your rocks off but you still feel restless, wondering if your true desires will ever be fulfilled. Maybe there’s something you really want to try, but you and your girlfriend have fallen into a comfortable routine and you can’t imagine breaking out of it, at least not easily.

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Here’s the thing. Nothing will change unless you make your desires known. I understand that it can be hard to speak up, especially if you’re afraid of rejection or of making yourself vulnerable. Pretty much everyone shares those fears, but it doesn’t mean we should shrink away from asking for what we really want. And when it comes to all things sex-related, asking is important. You never want to just go for it without the all clear. Thankfully there are some steps you can take to make the conversation a little easier.

Figure Out What you Actually Want
Seems obvious, right? How can you ask for what you really want unless you know what that is? Lacklustre sex can feel crappy for lots of reasons. You want to try to pinpoint what’s missing so that you can deliver some constructive feedback to your lady. Maybe the thing that you need is beyond the realm of sex, in which case you might have to do some work on your own. If it’s just a case of wanting more variety, or a more satisfying blow job or something else of that sort, coming to the table with specific suggestions for how to make things better is a must. Put some serious thought into your wishes and you will at least give them a chance to be granted.

Encourage an Open Dialogue
Make the conversation an opportunity for your girlfriend to open up about her needs, too. Don’t assume that you’re the only one wishing for change. Once the two of you get used to having honest and open talks about your sex life, it will get a lot easier to put yourself out there and I can guarantee the sex will get better. When it comes to having these discussions, though, set aside your ego. No one is perfect and no one just knows how to satisfy someone. For the most part, having great sex from day one is rare. So is having great sex at day 100, unless you keep talking about it.

Talk About How it Was for You
I find the best time to have a conversation about your needs is after sex. Maybe not right after, but sometime soon, before the same undesirable stuff happens again. Just be sure to keep the conversation positive. Make a point of telling each other what you liked about the sex, as well as what you would like to see change. Be somewhat casual about it. Try to be playful and not too heavy. You don’t want to come across as critical, just honest about what you need. It takes a bit of practice and emotional maturity to make it work, but the potential for happiness is great.

Don’t Wait too Long Before Putting it Out There
The longer you make the choice to endure crappy sex, the harder it is to make a change. Your girlfriend might wonder why you didn’t say anything earlier and she might share some things that will throw off your notion of what really gets her off. That’s why it’s crucial to stay on top of things. Don’t let your hidden desires just sit there and become big resentments. For all you know, you could have been enjoying better sex for months already, so stop wasting any more time and speak up about it!

Read: How to Handle Sexual Rejection

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