5 Things Never to Say to a Woman

Most of you guys I’m sure have the presence of mind to avoid the horrible shit storm of insensitivity that are the following statements. Even as I write this I’m thinking: “Do men really need to be told not to say these things?” Sadly the truth is, yes. I think that some of you really need to be told, if only for the fact that I didn’t just pull this list out of thin air. These are real-life examples of things I’ve heard fly from the mouths of men I’ve dated, so naturally I can only assume my dates were representative of some micro chasm of guys who need to hear this. I blame porn addiction for the majority of these insults, but that’s a whole other issue for another day. So sit back and prepare yourselves for these shocking examples of stone-cold douchebaggery.

5 Things Never to Say to a Woman if You Want to Sleep with Her More than Once

1. A few extra pounds are sexy… in the right places.
Just to be clear, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the first part of this statement. It communicates an appreciation for your partner’s body, and tells her that it’s safe to relax and open up to you. I would suggest that if you really want to get laid, you might stop there. If you’re totally dead set on being an asshole, you could include that last bit, then go home alone to your empty apartment and your king-sized bottle of Jergens. It’s your call.

2. Don’t you want to trim/shave that?
If you’re in a position that even allows you to comment on something as personal as a woman’s grooming habits, keep your mouth shut, or (if you’re so inclined) occupy your mouth with the task of going down on her, but don’t go out of your way to shame her for choices she’s made with regards to her own body. If you aren’t attracted to some outcome of those choices, fine. Just spend your time appreciating other parts of her that you do find attractive and leave it at that.

3. My parking meter’s about to run out. Could you (insert sexual favor here)?
There’s nothing more flattering than being asked to give a blow job on the clock. Doesn’t every woman want to be treated like a whore? Isn’t that why she’s open to casual sex in the first place? When my hookup partner said this to me, I was shocked and maybe you are too. I thought of cutting this one due to the fact that it’s so very insulting and I would hope that I’m the only woman in history who’s ever been subjected to it. Let’s all do our part to bury this atrocity for good.

4. Other women I’ve slept with…
It doesn’t really matter how you choose to complete this statement. If you’re making a point of comparing your partner to other hookups, you’re being a prick. Even if you say that other women you’ve slept with were “crazy bitches” compared to your current date, you’re still being a prick because you’re saying derogatory things about women. If your partner is savvy, she’ll figure out that she too will probably make it on to your “crazy” list one day and then you’ll be right back in Jergensville.

5. Can we just not talk?
If the sound of your partner’s voice or the contents of her mind are a turn off for you, I think it might be time for you to cut your losses. Unless she’s compulsively reciting poetry or speaking in tongues, there’s something your date wants to tell you and chances are, it’s important to her.  Take the time to listen and be respectful. If you have to wait a few extra minutes to get your stick sucked, then so be it.

Check out these tips: A Man’s Guide to Foreplay

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