Hookup Etiquette: The Morning After

If I’ve spent the night with a girl I considered awesome, and the sex was awesome, there’s nothing I like more than to cap it off with some bacon and eggs the next morning. Nothing says good times like a good brunch.

But I can think of three obvious scenarios whereby someone might be itching to make a getaway before the crack of dawn. The first is the Shag’n’Go. Nothing wrong with that practice – as long as A) both parties are fine with it, or B) if only one party is fine with it, the other is privy to it, and willing to accept it. Otherwise it can get ugly.

The second scenario takes practice: it’s all about self-control and personal honesty. Let’s go back a step: If you and your date have hit it off wildly, and there’s an undeniable chemistry between you, and sex is obviously on the way, chances are you’ll want a sleepover. But if you’re only so-so interested and taking advantage of an easy opportunity, the results are usually a bummer: within 30-seconds cumming, you’ll be wishing you’d gone straight home instead, and the list of possible excuses for needing to leave will start scrolling through your brain, while your partner moves in for the cuddle, making you feel guilty and regretful. Solution? Don’t take dates that you’re not really interested in to bed! Be honest with yourself about how you feel about the person you’re meeting. Can you imagine waking up next to them? If not, show a little self-control. A good wank is so much less of a headache.

Then there’s the unexpected scenario: after the sex, you discover your date is either psychotic, criminal, shares the apartment with his/her parents, all of the above and etc. – at which point all honesty may be discarded for the sake of getting the fuck outta there. Naked in bed is not the time to be fake-nice to a weirdo. Lie. Sneak out. Run. Say as little as possible. Keep smiling.

If you’re ever with someone who gets a text shortly after sex and says, “OMG my mom’s broken her hip, again!” and, running out the door, “I’ll call you!”, that’s me, and there’s probably something about you that’s creeping me out.

If you find me passing you the coffee creamers some morning, I must think you’re awesome!

Thanks for the shag.  Gotta go.

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