Hookup Help is a Q & A series on Hookupland. If you want advice or a female’s perspective on hooking up, online dating, relationships, or sex… we want to hear from you.
Q: Dear Jenny, my love life is fucked up. The girl I thought I’d be with forever broke up with me and I can’t get over her. The worst part is this happened a year ago. I can’t even talk to my friends about it because they’re sick of me whining and complaining and they try to set me up with women. I joined my first online dating site a couple months ago with help of a pushy female friend, but I haven’t used it except to read the messages that have come in. I can’t help but compare these women to my ex who I hear is in a new relationship. I didn’t cheat on her and I felt completely blindsided when she ended things. Sometimes I just want her to tell me she hates me, but I know she doesn’t, or tell me that she’s move away. Help, how do get over her and move on.
-Russell
A: Dear Russell, your love life isn’t fucked up because you don’t have one. I don’t mean to sound harsh but holding on to what was is preventing you from moving on, living your life, and ultimately enjoying your life. You’re not being fair to yourself. Getting over any love is difficult and from experience it doesn’t always correlate to amount of time you actually spent with a partner. The heart is a funny thing.
Normally I wouldn’t suggest contacting an ex who you are trying to get over, but if you don’t have closure (understanding why a relationship ended) then that may help. Before you do, ask yourself if seeing her would only make things worse, can you handle it? If you’ve run into her since the breakup, did you just start spiraling out again? If so, avoid her like the plague.
Let’s focus on Russell. What brings you pleasure? What are your passions? Because it’s certainly not fixating on your ex. I always say exercise is essential to a person’s well being, not only for physical, but also mental. Looking good is the bonus and the gym is a great place to meet women. Other things that can have you feeling better are taking classes, travelling, or joining a group.
Of course, it’s hard to move on with someone else, if you’re still hung up on an ex, but it can certainly help. Online dating can be daunting at first, but it’s a great place to find new love and even just friends. Let your “pushy” friend help you along and give you advice on first messages and writing a great profile. With no expectations, it can be fun.
I’m glad you have a support system of friends in place, but they may be getting burnt out. I did feel traces of obsession in your email and if you think (or your friends think) it’s affecting your physical or mental health, then don’t be afraid to seek outside help. Someone with a fresh perspective and no personal attachment to the situation may be just the thing you need for a fresh start.
Read: How to Flirt Online
Need some advice? SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE, and who knows, you may appear in the next Hookupland newsletter. -xo Jenny
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