How to Tell a Partner About Your Kink

How do you tell a partner about your kink? How much is too much on a first date or hookup?

Dear Holly,

I don’t consider myself a stud with women, but my dating life has become an official disaster. I’m obsessed with strap-ons, watch pegging porn, and long for this to happen to me.

I’m single and meet a lot of women online. I’ve been told I’m handsome and have more luck dating than my friends, but I always share my fantasy of being pegged and that turns things to shit.

I keep telling myself not to bring it up on the first date or when we get back to my house, but I can’t stop myself. I even bought a harness and strap-on. How can I get pegged and not turn women off? – Jay

First off, pegging is a very common fantasy, in fact, I think it’s one of the most popular. We see the prevalence in the porn that you enjoy, and women are getting into it too! BUT, there’s a right and wrong way to go about telling someone about your kinks, especially with women you’ve just met!

While it can be exciting to let your kinks out of the closet right away when you’re feeling lustful, it can also backfire. It may even spoil anything at all happening, or your chances of a second date where it could happen.

Casual sex can be great for spontaneous intensive sex because inhibitions are often lower without emotional investment. Who cares what happens because I probably won’t see this person again.

But you still want to get laid, right? Here are some rules to use as a guideline when sharing kinks with a hookup. You may not get your fantasy fulfilled, but you will probably still get lucky.

How and When to Tell Her Your Kink

Here are 4 considerations for sharing kinks with a new lover.

Where Is My Kink on the BDSM Spectrum?

If you are obsessed with a particular kink or fantasy, your perspective may be skewed. You watch kink-specific porn all the time, but is it really that popular? Are you going to meet women who are into your kink on mainstream dating sites, or do you need to go niche? A foot fetish is quite tame compared to cock and ball torture (CBT).

Read: How to Find Kinky Hookup

A lot of kinks require a level of trust that comes from more than a few hours together. Be realistic about where your kink lies on the spectrum and act accordingly.

When Is the Best Time to Share a Kink?

Pulling out your harness and strap-on the first time you meet someone may not be the best way to tell them about your kink. Will there be a woman who says, “Hallelujah, let’s get this party started!?” Maybe, but you might be waiting a while. Finding out if you are at least compatible between the sheets first is probably best.

You can choose to share some of your kinks right in your dating profile. You may not get as many replies, but the quality will likely outweigh the quantity of connections.

What’s the Worst that Can Happen If I Tell Them?

For some, sharing is actually part of the kink. This might be because there is a built-in shock value. If that’s you, then you have to be ready for rejection—not just of your kink, but of sex altogether.

It’s always a risk to share our fantasies. We worry about what others will think of us or if they will want to be with us anymore. It’s a risk-reward gamble you have to think about. The thicker your skin, the better.

Read: How to Hook Up when Your Kinks Don’t Match

Who Am I with Right Now?

Some people get so wrapped up in the kink itself and finding a willing partner, that they forget that this other person has their own desires and fantasies and needs they want to be fulfilled, even through casual encounters.

Did you read her dating profile carefully? Did you browse her answers to questions that can give you hints as to her sexual proclivities? And remember, it’s not always a yes or no answer when it comes to someone’s interest in your kink—it may be more a matter of when.

Read: How and Where to Meet Kinky Women

If you keep striking out, then you definitely need to change your approach and possibly timing. Also, what you watch in porn is not how real-life sex unfolds.

Do you tell your kinks to casual sex partners? Do you have tips to share?

Hookup Help is a Q&A series. If you want advice or a woman’s perspective on hooking up, online dating, relationships, or sex, we want to hear from you. SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION, and who knows, you may appear in the next Hookup Land newsletter.

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