Hookup Help: Embracing Your Sexual Kinks

Q: Dear Jenny. I think I’m a nice guy. I’m not GQ material, and I certainly wouldn’t call myself ugly or unattractive; but I do suffer from self-esteem issues, especially when it comes to sex. I’ve had a few girlfriends and I’m not really into the one-night-stand scene. I’m single now and looking for a serious relationship with someone I’m sexually compatible with. In the bedroom, I like to be dominated by women. I don’t why this is, but I figured it out after two of my girlfriends complained I wasn’t being “manly” in the bedroom. One said she didn’t want to be dominated, but she needed a man to take the lead. These differences ended both relationships, and left me feeling bad about my sexual preference. I’m wondering if I should give up my submissive desires and try to be more masculine. I’m thinking it would be easier to meet women. -Ryan

A: When we’re younger and discovering our sexuality through different experiences and different partners, there are going to be clashes with lovers. That’s natural and is the way we find out what turns us on and what doesn’t. We can only hope that even the relationships that don’t last are positive and helpful in our journey. Telling a man he isn’t “manly” is not kind or mature. Preferring a submissive role says nothing about your masculinity, so try to forget those comments in moving forward and looking for a compatible partner.

Although I think sex on the first date isn’t the best route when looking for something serious, talking about sex in casual conversation or while flirting can be helpful in testing the waters of someone’s preferences. There are lots of women who like to dominate in and out of the bedroom, so you shouldn’t feel that you have to ever change who you really are. If you’re not already using online dating sites to meet women, these can be helpful for people with bdsm preferences, as you can be specific in your profile without being too forward. You may also want to try joining a site specific to d/s relationships if your submissive nature extends beyond sex.

Don’t change, Ryan. There is someone for everyone and pretending to be someone you’re not isn’t fair to yourself or to others. Best of luck!

Hookup Help is a Q & A series. If you want advice or a female’s perspective on hooking up, online dating, relationships, or sex… we want to hear from you. SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE, and who knows, you may appear in the next Hookupland newsletter. -xo Jenny

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