Hookup Help is a new Q & A series on Hookupland. If you want advice or a female’s perspective on hooking up, online dating, relationships, or sex… we want to hear from you. Love is not a science, and I can’t say I’m an expert, but I have learned a lot from years of dating and making mistakes.
Q: Dear Jenny, I’m a nice guy, at least that’s what I’ve been told by many women, but I’m starting to feel like a jerk. I was in a relationship for eight years that went to shit about two years ago, dragged on another, and finally ended once and for all six months ago.
I didn’t think I’d be interested in dating for awhile, but I realized I liked the whole idea of no-strings sex. I should also say my ex-girlfriend only had sex with me twice in the last three years. It was brutal, but I never cheated on her.
So here’s my dilemma. I’m having no problem meeting women online, bringing them back to my bachelor pad, but… convincing them that sex is all I want and that I’m not ready for a relationship is a challenge. I’ve even had to be rude a couple times and then I feel like a jerk, arghh! How can I get laid without women wanting more.
-Rob in Wisconsin
A: Hey, Rob. Rest assured, you do sound like a nice guy. A lot of men go about their hookups without much concern about the aftermath of feelings they or the women they have sex with experience. I can understand why you need time to recover from the breakup but at the same time crave physical connection (nothing wrong with that!)
So, you obviously don’t need help picking up the ladies. The best way to prevent a woman from getting attached (and this can happen real quick with a nice guy who’s also good in bed) is to be completely honest and upfront before anything goes down. This will be your reference point to go back to when she’s trying to either make you want what you don’t want or to make you feel bad. This is when you chime in, “But I told you already…”
More practical advice: When I want control of my hookups, I go to the other person’s house for a “sleepover”. Why? Because I can leave at anytime, sometimes while they’re sleeping (leaving a note is a nice gesture), and I don’t have to worry about being tactful the morning after, asking them to leave. Not all women are going to want to ask a stranger back to her place (safety issues and all) but some will. And don’t give out your phone number or email unless you want contact with a woman again.
Maybe you want your hookup to become a complex friend with benefits. Again, this can get a bit tricky, but good chemistry is hard to find. Again, if this is where you think it’s going, then set the ground rules early on.
Enjoy the single life, Rob.
Readers: Do you have any tips for keeping a one night stand to one night only?
Need some advice? SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE, and who knows, you may appear in the next Hookupland newsletter. -xo Jenny