Q: Dear Tia. Two nights ago, I went out with this girl. In her profile she said that she’s looking for a hookup, but when I asked her back to my place, she said no.
I don’t get it! I held the door and paid for dinner. I listened to her go on and on about her job. I even gave her advice about a problem she’s having with her boss.
I thought she was into me so I told her she’s hot, but… let’s just say she’s not a 10. I’m not saying that I am either, but she didn’t even acknowledge the compliment! She just said, “I know.” I think that when you tell a woman she’s attractive, she should at least say thank you.
I’m a good guy! I’ve never once sent a dick pic or cheated on a woman. I do all the things that men are supposed to do on dates. I’m not sexist. If she wants to pay for dinner, I let her. I’m all about respect. I have friends who don’t do any of those things and they still get laid more than me!
Women are always saying how they want to be treated well, but that’s a load of crap. They don’t know what they want. I’m tired of putting in so much effort and getting nothing in return. – Jason
A: Dear Jason. You’re not the first guy to express frustration over this. You think you’re checking all the boxes and being a stand-up guy yet, at the end of the night, you go home alone.
First off, I feel for you. I can tell that you’re at the end of your rope, and I would like to help. I’m about to deliver some pretty harsh realities, though, and I hope that you can receive my words and use them to improve your situation, even if they make you angry at first.
You, my friend, are an asshole. “Nice Guys” aren’t nice so that they can get something in return. They don’t give out compliments because they think it will get them laid, and they don’t feel entitled to a woman’s gratitude. Nice Guys are happy for women who acknowledge their own attractiveness. In fact, they expect nothing less.
As for your assertion that you’re not sexist… guys who aren’t sexist don’t let a woman pay for dinner. They consider it her right to pay, because of a little something called gender equality. They don’t think of it as a chore to listen to a woman talk about serious issues, and they certainly don’t expect anything in return for whatever advice they might give her.
It’s great that you’re not a dick-pic sending, door-slamming cheater but there’s so much more to being a nice guy than just those few things.
On a brighter note, you should find comfort in the fact that your problem is much less dire than you originally thought. You’re not a helpless nice guy but an asshole whiner. With a little bit of effort, you can actually do something about that!
Let me know how it goes.
Hookup Help is a Q&A series. If you want advice or a female’s perspective on hooking up, online dating, relationships, or sex… we want to hear from you. SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION, and who knows, you may appear in the next Hookup Land newsletter. -xo Holly and Tia