You Can’t Get Closure From a Ghost

Dear Tia,

“I met a woman online about six months ago, and we started chatting almost every day. We talked over Skype and had some pretty intense sexting sessions. We were hesitant to meet in person just given what’s going on in the world right now, so we both agreed to virtual dates only.

I thought things were going really well. We seem to have been getting closer, sharing lots of things about our lives and getting deeper into the sexual stuff. She told me that she had never had online sex before and that she really enjoyed it. We even had plans to get together when the timing was right and I was really looking forward to that.

Here’s the thing: I haven’t heard from her in about three weeks, and she’s not answering any of my texts or calls. I think she might have ghosted me and I don’t understand why. I thought we were heading somewhere really good, and I can’t believe she would do this to me. I sent her a message asking straight up for some closure, but she hasn’t responded.

Why doesn’t she have the decency to actually break up with me if she doesn’t want to do this anymore? I don’t know what to do, and it’s driving me crazy.” – Andrew

Why She Won’t Give You Closure

Dear Andrew,

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I understand your need for closure, and that you feel she owes it to you, but the truth is, you’ll probably never get it and here’s why:

People who ghost are generally frightened and immature. They lack the ability—or desire—to engage in emotionally intense conversations.

Perhaps she’s thought about what she would say, but feels that too much time has passed and that it’s just best to leave things be.

An alternative explanation is that she is a raging narcissist who was only ever toying with you, and enjoys making you suffer for the benefit of her own fragile ego. But that’s probably not the reason for her ghosting from the story you’ve told me.

Read: Is Ghosting Someone Ever Justified?

Make Your Own Closure by Letting Go

No matter the reason for her silence, you need to move on. Stop reaching out as it will only prolong your pain and position you dangerously close to stalker territory. If you must, make your own closure. Tell yourself whatever story you need to in order to feel better.

The sooner you let this go, the better. If you keep pursuing it, you could become obsessed with finding out why she ghosted you, and that can make it nearly impossible for you to open yourself up to the kind of loving relationship you deserve.

Give yourself some time to grieve, then jump back into to the dating scene. She might get back in touch one day, or she might not. Either way it doesn’t matter. You need to take your power back and move on.

For more tips read: You’ve Been Ghosted: How to Take It Like a Man

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