You’re sitting quietly, phone in hand, contemplating whether or not to hit “send” on a photograph of your penis. Perhaps you feel that it’s your best chance at seducing that oh so desirable lady-friend, or maybe you’re just a freaky-deak who wants to show off his stuff? Either way… BACK AWAY FROM THE PHONE. There are some really important things you need to consider before you do anything stupid.
1. Choose Your Audience. You really need to think for a minute about who you’re trying to impress. If you’re hoping to attract a perfect stranger with an unsolicited snapshot of your cock, you’ll probably fail. Why? Because a penis on its own is not all that exciting. You might think we ladies are ready and waiting to salivate over your grade-A sausage, but really guys. A random disembodied cock is just about as enticing as a day-old hot dog.
2. Consider Your Timing. If you choose to disregard what I’ve just said and are completely determined to introduce yourself to the dating world via dick pic, at the very least choose your timing well. It’s always best to wait until someone asks for a pic before sending one. Even if you’re in an established relationship and your partner has a proven and enthusiastic appreciation for your package, you still don’t want to hit her in the face with it. And trust me, that’s what a surprise dick pic can feel like. If you’re in full-on dirty flirtation mode with a lady and she wants to see it, by all means, show her. Just wait until she gives you the green light.
3. Contextualise. So let’s pretend, for argument’s sake, that a photo request has been issued. For some women, size is important, and that could be why she has asked for a pic from you. One really effective way to convey the message of size is to provide some kind of “scale” or context for the eye. Might I suggest a chocolate bar? Ladies do love the chocolate, and hey, it doesn’t hurt to plant the seed of tastiness in your date’s mind as she gazes upon your junk. Just lay that bar out, right next to your dick. If you’re feeling a bit insecure, simply use one of those tiny Halloween-sized bars… who could really tell the difference?
4. Be a Master of Presentation. If you’re actually going to put forth the effort to immortalize your penis in a photo, why not do it properly? Consider the lighting and the angle of your shot. Let your lady know that she is witness to a great moment in time, the moment at which your cock is unveiled in one magnificent work of photographic genius. A poorly lit dick pic can look a lot like a turd at first glance, and first impressions tend to last.
5. Beware the Consequences. Just remember that once your penis finds its way on to the interweb, there’s no going back. Your dick will potentially be out there for all to see. And it will live on forever… and ever… and well, you get the idea. Maybe that sounds like an incredibly awesome notion to some of you, that your man-stick will exist in some form long after your death. To you, sirs, I say fine. Hit send on that pic and don’t look back. All I ask is that you really think about it first. The internet is already so jam packed with the penises of regretful men.
What do you think about cock pics? Share your opinion in the comments!