When You’re Not Attracted to Her in Real Life

If this has never happened to you, it probably will. First, a potential date catches your eye online. You chat and maybe exchange a few flirty messages. You decide to hook up on the weekend. You can hardly wait to meet her and get naked. But when you meet in person, the chemistry goes south fast.

Maybe she’s not what she appeared to be in her photos. Maybe she’s all that and a bag of chips, but there’s some small thing that ruins it for you, like a squealy voice or the high-waist jeans that always deflate your dick. Maybe her personality is annoying, and you can’t take it. Or maybe the intimate connection is stronger than you expected, but feels like she’s a long lost sister.

What to Do when You’re Not Attracted IRL

Give yourself time.

Sure, the purpose of arranging a hookup is usually, well, hooking up. But we aren’t machines, and sometimes it takes more time to get comfortable with a stranger. We might have a specific picture in our mind of how things will be, and when they’re different, we need a bit of time to adjust and relax.

It can be awkward to explain this to a woman who is waiting to be ravaged, and a lot of explanations can feel like excuses or playing games. So I think the truth is best, and less is more—don’t go into every detail. Just be honest, and keep it simple: “I loved the idea of meeting for sex, but I’m a bit gun-shy and would love to go for a drink first if you don’t mind.”

Don’t be cruel.

No need to be mean and ugly just because you’re disappointed. We all have our unique turn-offs or inexplicable connections, and the tables could be just as easily turned. Be a gentleman about it. You don’t want to blame her or diminish her. Not only will it make you feel worse, but word gets around. So it’s better to man up and bow out gracefully than to blurt out something petty.

Don’t say anything you don’t mean.

It’s one thing to tell a little white lie in order to avoid scarring her for life. But don’t make up stories, either, or promise her something later that you know isn’t going to happen.

You don’t want to promise you’ll call her this weekend, for example, if you aren’t going to. That is simply prolonging the difficult exit. And don’t say flattering things or say you really like her if you don’t.

If she misrepresented herself, or is otherwise is to blame, don’t take the fall for her.

You can be diplomatic even when the situation is not your fault—handling disappointment and rejection with grace and dignity is part of being a man.

But that doesn’t mean being a sucker. If a woman has lied about ten pounds or five years, you have to let that go—we all embellish or refine our profiles a bit to put our best foot forward rather than emphasizing our worst traits. We also fudge details to protect our privacy and safety. But if she’s pretended to be something else entirely, then you’re not the bad guy.

Be honest and direct. “I wish you hadn’t misled me about your age. I’m not comfortable dating someone so much younger,” or “I’m sorry, but the whole getting high part is a turn-off for me. I’m calling a taxi.”

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