How to Balance Your Sex Life with Multiple Lovers

A lot of people think that “don’t ask, don’t tell” is the only way to approach casual dating. I agree that in certain circumstances it works well, like when you’re having a one-night stand, but what about when you want to maintain multiple long-term sexual arrangements?

You might doubt that it’s even possible, that no matter how you go about it, balancing more than one lover will eventually culminate in a mushroom cloud of anger and disappointment. I won’t deny that it does much of the time, but there are steps that you can take to better your chance of success.

Be Upfront and Honest

Lying, or simply neglecting to mention that you’re seeing multiple people, will likely backfire in a spectacular way, so state your desire to be non-exclusive early on. If you’re worried that it will hurt your chances of getting laid, think again. Lots of women appreciate a man who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to ask for it.

Also, not all women are looking for a commitment! She might have a few other guys on the go, herself. The best thing you can do is state your needs in your dating profile. If she’s turned off or offended by them, she’s not the right fit for you.

Seek Out Like-Minded People

Rather than checking “non-monogamous” on a mainstream dating site, find one that caters to people who want what you want. is a good place to start, or if you’re looking for something more adventurous. I’m polyamorous and I’ve had great success with meeting people online. You can get really specific about what you want, and you don’t have to explain or defend your desire to be non-exclusive.

Be mindful that there are many types of polyamorous relationship dynamics, ranging from “sexual free-for-all” to something called, “polyfedelity” which is more conservative and committed. Before you put yourself out there, really think about what you want.

Agree on a Schedule, Then Honor It

Once you’ve found the right people and settled into a life of sexual freedom, it’s important to keep things running smoothly. One way to do this is to sit down with your partners and figure out a schedule that works for everyone. If this sounds too restrictive, maybe just settle on a general guideline of how much time you’re going to spend with each other. Date night once a week? One weekend a month?

Planning things out will ensure that everyone feels valued and fulfilled. If you need to cancel a date last minute, try to reschedule as soon as possible. Basically, be considerate of your partners’ time and feelings.

Be Realistic About How Much You Can Offer

Think about how much time you really have to devote to your personal life. Having lots of women on the go sounds great in theory, but in practice it’s a lot of work. You have to be willing to communicate often and spend time with everyone.

And let’s not forget, you have to keep up sexually. Right now, you might feel that you can fuck all day every day, but when put to the test, is that really the case? I’m not saying you have to be a sex robot, but if you’re going to have a bunch of hookup partners, you’ll want to be fairly confident that you can deliver the goods.

Have you had success with balancing multiple partners? What’s your secret? Leave us a comment and share the wisdom of your ways.

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