Foods to Avoid on a Dinner Date

After posting my two cents about food indulgence after sex, I was surprised to hear a number of my friends ask, “What about before?”

Seriously, peeps, shouldn’t this one be a no-brainer? If not, today’s your lucky day because I’m about to spell it out for ya. This one goes out to foodies who get so caught up in their victuals they overlook the possible consequences.

Here are my top no-no’s for date night, in no particular order because all must be considered:

The Gastroblastro
Tummy-gas and rumbling will keep you so preoccupied that the date will either end early or you’ll be uneasy about showing-off all those sexy positions you learned in yoga class. Avoid anything that risks giving you the shits before the night is through. Stay away from Ethiopian, French, Mexican. Whatever you do, steer clear of the Indian buffet!

The Kernel’s Salute
Who doesn’t enjoy going to a movie on date night? Be warned: movie popcorn has a long afterlife. The kernels are worrisome. Those little fuckers can cling to your colon in a most distasteful way. Besides, considering what they charge for movie popcorn, save your bottom and put a down-payment on a house instead.

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Carb Ballast
The smallest portion of pasta can fill you, but it takes some time to swell in your tummy. And it’s served in a big bowl, so the portion size is misleading. Next thing you know, you’re too bloated to shag. You don’t want even wanna shag. The only thing that’ll bring you satisfaction is sliding into your fatpants and moaning.

Greenteeth Salad
The trouble with green veggies is they either A) keep us preoccupied with, or asking, “Do I have spinach in my teeth?”, or B) don’t preoccupy us, and we look ridiculous not realizing we have spinach in our teeth. It’s very distracting while fantasizing about the night ahead.

No doubt different foods affect different people in different ways. If anything, just consider your own date-night menu ahead of time.

And hold off on the burritos until at least date #3!

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