Just the Tips

5 Easy Ways to Never Get Laid Again

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Does your penis feel like a tired piece of machinery in the world’s largest pleasure-making factory? Are you just one hookup away from moving out to a cabin in the woods and taking an oath of celibacy?

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I get it. Having sex all the time is really hard! Thankfully there are some things you can do to ensure that you never have to have sex again.

1. Talk about Your Mother Right Before You Make Your Move

This is one of the fastest and most effective ways to make your date stop touching you. If you do it often enough, her vagina might actually slam shut and refuse to open again until you’re well removed from the scene. Signs that you are a mama’s boy will ensure that your dick gets the good, long rest it deserves. Throw in something about how much your date reminds you of your mother and you’ve pretty much got yourself a Registered Retirement Penis Plan (RRPP).

2. Tell Your Date She “Smells Weird Down There”

Fact: Vaginas smell worse than normal at times. That’s because they’re home to a complex bacterial colony that can very easily become imbalanced. Why not use this info to your advantage? Tell your girlfriend she smells like a fishing trawler come back from sea. She’ll definitely leave your dick alone after that.

For added insurance, tell her that you refuse to see her when she’s on her period. Let her know that vaginas that aren’t behaving as they do in porn are scary pussy doppelgangers that deserve to be ridiculed and cast aside.

3. Never Call or Text When You Say You Will

At first she might try harder to get your attention, which might lead to her offering up the dreaded s-word but fear not. Before long she will hate you and your cock. She might even tell all her friends about what an inconsiderate date you are and that is what we call a real bang for the buck. You won’t have to worry about a whole cohort of women who otherwise might have thrown themselves at you.

4. Compare Your Girlfriend to An Ex

Think about it. You probably already have at least one woman in your life who used to sleep with you but now recoils in horror at the thought of it. Just start pointing out to your current girlfriend that she doesn’t do things the same way as your ex and before long, she’ll follow suit and leave you blissfully alone. You’ll have the whole bed to yourself and you won’t have to share your orgasms with anyone! Just imagine the luxury.

5. Show Her Your Collection of Toenail Clippings

Weird and gross things like that are essentially bear spray to the ladies. Whip out that jar before anything gets too hot and heavy, and she’ll be gone before you know it. Keep some in your pocket for those unexpected encounters while you’re out and about. You never know when a lady might find you attractive.

Think these suggestions won’t work? Take it from someone who’s been on the receiving end of them all. They are highly effective.

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