Some first dates are hard to forget, not because they lead to a meaningful connection or result in any kind of sexy encounter, but because they are truly awful.
I’ve experienced more than my share of bad first dates, but with the help of my therapist I’m finally in a place that I can share a few of the worst examples with you. I didn’t think the nightmares would ever stop, so the fact that I can even write about this stuff is something of a miracle.
I’m being dramatic. But seriously, don’t think you can conduct yourself like any one of these asshats and still get laid at the end of the night.
1. The Guy who Insulted My Education
I was just telling him about my English degree when he went all hard-core snob on me and started comparing the academic standards of his Alma matter and mine. Sure, I have an English Degree and he has a PhD in Physics… He’s a big time scientist and I write for dating and sex blogs—but still! No amount of experimental manipulation could ever get you into my pants buddy!
2. The Guy who Kept Mentioning His Mother
I started counting and he mentioned her 26 times! In the course of 2 hours! (What the fuck dude?!) Someone must have told him that women love a guy who loves his mom. Either that or the two of them are involved in some kind of incestuous cult. It’s okay to mention your mom in passing, but don’t make her the focus of your conversation. No woman wants to date a mama’s boy!
3. The Guy who Farted with His Armpit
Armpit farts aren’t sexy guys. They don’t make you appear cute or irreverent or whatever you think. The same goes for burping the alphabet or showing off your double joints at the table. Basically, any kind of body tricks is best left unrevealed on a first date. In fact, I would suggest confining these behaviours to the distant past, specifically to the years before your testicles dropped.
4. The Guy who Insisted I Read His Novella
At the table, in one go. He just sat there, waiting for me to read the whole 60-page manuscript and give my opinion. I think he was nervous and wanted to find some way to reveal himself to me without having to talk. I also think he was really focused on his writing. I get it. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t a super awkward experience, especially when I reciprocated by making him read a blog post I wrote about how to drink your own cum.
5. The Guy who Tried to Convert Me
Have you accepted the Lord as your savior? Good for you if you have, but don’t use your dating life as a platform for spreading the gospel. The same goes for furthering your political agenda or recruiting participants for your pyramid scheme.
If I had to identify some themes here, I’d say that self-absorption and distraction top the list. Stay focused on the lady you’re with, and try to make it an enjoyable time for you both. Next week I’ll talk about some of my all time best first dates!