I met a guy online a month ago. We had a couple of super hot weekends, before he cancelled plans for our third hookup. He then confided something that is difficult to share.
I thought we’d had amazing chemistry and connection, so I was surprised to find out that for him, the thrill was already gone.
Of course, I’ve seen it all by now, and try not to take rejection too personally. I’m human, though, so of course it hurt a bit after feeling that we’d connected on different levels and finding out that’s not really how it was for him.
I’m sharing this here because he’s not the only one experiencing this. I’ve heard similar stories from girlfriends. This guy said a new partner is very exciting, but he loses interest after a few fucks. The fifth time just doesn’t feel as fiery as the first. It doesn’t seem to matter how hot she is or how much they have in common.
It might be upsetting for his partners to feel rejected so quickly—we weren’t asking for more than casual sex, which hadn’t run itself out yet.
But I appreciated his honesty, because people like him might also feel confusion and anxiety. For example, he said that he actually wants to have a relationship and share his life and home with a woman and eventually have a family. But he can’t.
“I’m that hollow, superficial guy who is always looking for fresh pussy and never going deeper,” he told me frankly. “The problem is that I want to, but I can’t. I literally lose interest sexually after two or three sex sessions. Nothing compares to the high of having her for the first time. Then I’ve seen it all, and I’m done.”
He says that women are disposable to him, but not because he wants it that way. He says it’s how he’s wired. He acknowledges that she has feelings and needs and that she is a whole human being, but he is sexually bored soon after his first fill. He says this actually leaves him feeling empty, as if he can’t really connect to anyone. He would love to have a lady to laugh with and cook with and share things with, to be there for each other. But he can’t feel it.
The Sex Trajectory of Relationships
It’s no secret that new lovers have a chemical spike that wanes off later on and doesn’t return. In long-term relationships, new couples may bond in that chemistry for a year or a few years, never able to keep their hands off each other. The mere presence of a text message—“I’m still at the office, boss is talking about a trade deal with Company X”—makes him hard and her wet. They make out for hours and fuck in the shower and on the floor. They do it four times a day.
As time goes by, they are more familiar with each other. They may still feel passionately, even after twenty years or more, but it’s not likely she’ll just drop to her knees while frying bacon and take his cock out and suck it before breakfast. Sex won’t take all night. He’ll be just as happy to watch the game or work late. Sex a couple times a week or even month will feel like enough.
Loss of interest in sex happens to even the most bonded, loving couples who have eyes for no one else. It can take some work for couples to keep their mojo going. But it’s easy for a new distraction to pique desire, and couples struggle with affairs. Others are polyamorous and open to sexual dalliances which can refuel the home fires.
Most people understand that fever pitch of excitement lost in a longer relationship is a fair exchange for love, companionship, shared experiences, trust, and security.
Many people choose to have casual sex because they aren’t ready for a relationship, don’t want one, or are too busy right now to invest that much emotionally. They may want a relationship later, they may not. They enjoy the variety and excitement.
But very few people feel that hookups fizzle after they do it a few times.
My date wonders if he had been “ruined by porn” or if this is the dark side of casual sex. He wonders if he has been conditioned by novelty and unable to mature to a deeper connection.
I seldom blame sex or porn for anything, because we are free agents and the vast majority of us can enjoy the exceptional benefits of both without getting lost in the fantasy. They make our lives better, and repression makes our lives worse.
However, we are of course socialized and fed with what we consume, and sometimes there is a lack of balance that has some consequences. He may just be a shallow douchebag who only cares about his own gratification, but I think his honesty and genuine anxiety over the issue showed there was more to the story.
For people experiencing something similar, and who are unhappy, it makes sense to stop doing the things that are causing your unhappiness.
Maybe it is simply a matter of too much of a good thing. A sexual fast is not unlike a food fast—you are not declaring that sex or food are bad, but a period of abstinence can be very healthy.
And if you’re eating too much junk food—even if I’m the junk food, lol—it makes sense to stop eating it for a while and reintroduce it in smaller quantities or be more selective later.
Rather than analyze the issue to death with great anxiety over future connections, take a few months off of porn and dating. I’m not a therapist, but I bet the issue is more about what is lacking in one’s life. Taking some time to focus on other things might bring it all into perspective quickly.
Sometimes we get bored with sex because our work life, family life, friendships, or personal growth need some tender loving care.
Do you sometimes lose interest after a few hookups, even when it’s good? Please share your experience in the comments.