What to Do When the Thrill Is Gone

An old flame recently told me he’s bored of sex. And one of my girlfriends confessed she hasn’t been enjoying hookups for months and wants to take a knitting class instead of dating. Say what?

It’s not just old married couples reporting that the thrill is gone.

If you’re finding sex ho hum, you’re not alone. Here’s what you should know.

You may need a break.

Dating and sex can be so exhausting that you need Excel charts to keep track of everything. You have to always be going full throttle to look good, and maintain the flow of phone calls, texts, and chats—not something a secretary could do for you, even if you had one.

It’s rewarding and exciting, but just like we’re all relieved when the Christmas party season is over and we can Netflix and chill, taking a break from the dating drama may refuel the fire.

Rebalance your life.

Sex is really important, but there are other important things.

Switch gears and attend to other parts of your life: sports, family, a class, health, a camping trip, time out with the buddies, or working weekends to nab that promotion.

Try giving up porn for a while.

There have been times I have had so much sex, gorged myself on hot boys (and girls!) Sometimes I was so into the flow of heightened hormones that I masturbated several times of day, and had sex with different partners. Then suddenly I would feel kind of frantic, like my life was empty if two hours went by without an orgasm, and I would put more porn on.

I’m not sure about the whole sex addict thing—it’s usually a term loaded with judgement or an excuse for bad behaviour. But if your hookups feel mechanical and your porn use is getting extreme, you might just need to re-sensitize. Go without for a while and before you know it, just seeing an eye-catching blonde will get you dizzy again.

Get back to basics.

The buffet is amazing, but you’re full. Just eggs and toast would be divine. Pare things down. Hook up with a favorite lover, or the ex who you’re super comfy with. Make out for hours at the movies with someone you adore, then go home alone. Get more sleep, take some vitamins.

You’ll be back on track in no time.

Change it up.

Understand that desire fluctuates dramatically—not just in long-term relationships, but in each individual person.

You were blowing up the Internet with your raging hormones last year, bedding the bold and beautiful with star reviews. If this all feels like a bad dream now and you keep your phone on silent because Natasha, Natalia, and Angie have you on speed dial, there’s nothing wrong with you.

If your engine has always been really high, it might surprise you or worry you when it happens—but you’re fine.

If your low ebb goes on for a long time, you can always check with your doctor, but for most guys, it will come surging back after a time out or when you meet someone in particular and the chemistry is unexpected and insane.

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