Dating Tips for Animal Lovers

“Must Love Pets”

I’m considering adding to my profile the disclaimer, Must be willing to negotiate with my cat. I swear it’s not my fault, or my choice. I’m not a freak about my pet. No pet-clothes or anything of the sort. I just happen to have a very possessive cat. Any hookup who’s been invited back to my place, and is reading this now, can vouch for the truth of this story.

Let’s be clear from the get-go: I do not have sex with my cat, nor does my cat want to have sex with me. That being said, she (yes, she’s a she) gets more than a little out-of-sorts when I want to have sex with another “she”.

Here’s how it happens, without exception:

1. As soon as my hookup starts getting frisky (but with clothes still on), the cat (I won’t name her directly, in the interests of discretion…) will pounce onto my crotch and settle there, protectively. My date will, as expected, ooh and ahh about how cute it is that she does this. I’ll lift her (my cat) off and send her (again, my cat) on her way, only to have her back on my crotch within seconds. For any woman trying to get into my pants, the novelty of “cuteness” wears off quickly.

2. Once the clothes are off and things have moved to the bedroom, my cat once again manoeuvers herself into the fold. This earns her another round of oohs and ahhs, if only for her persistence. But this, too, soon becomes an intrusive nuisance, until I have to shut her out of the bedroom completely.

3. Which leads to the door-scratching, and the crying. My hookup will, by this point, be shaking her head in disbelief. There are only two choices: we let my cat in to wander around us while we’re fucking, or we try to ignore the caterwauling outside the bedroom door as it drowns out our dirty-talk.

Posting such a warning in my profile will only make me look like a loser. Besides, no one ever believes me until I bring them home to witness it for themselves.

It’s impossible, either way: allow your pet to intrude or break its heart. Obviously, for the sake of a shag, there’s little choice but to resort to the latter. What an upset.

Anyone else out there have a cock-blocking kitty or canine?

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