When a Hookup Lets You Down

Ye Olde Mercy Fuck

You’re in desperate need of a quickie, you indiscriminately find an online hookup, an hour later you’re face-to-face, and after one head-to-toe inspection you pray: “God, if you get me outta this situation I promise to forever have half my wages garnished for charity.” Obviously your prayers go unanswered, and it’s up to you to decide whether or not you’re prepared to dish out the worst-case dating scenario of all things shag-horrific: a mercy fuck.

The turn-off could be any number of things. Your impromptu hookup could:

– look nothing like their profile pic (no surprise to anyone familiar with online dating)
– be extremely unlikable in person
– seem completely psychotic
– and on and on

But this hookup obviously went to some trouble and/or came a long way to accommodate your late-night urge. Cab fare may have been spent. Surely you owe this person something for the effort, no?

Argh, it’s humiliating.

And the answer is simple, but requires great will up front. You must always, always, always ensure the Escape Clause before the hook-up. “You sound great, and I really wanna hook up tonight, but I have a policy of keeping all clothes on until we actually meet in person to see if we have a connection. Are you cool with that?”

If, while still online, your potential guy/gal is not cool with that, move on. Otherwise you’ll find yourself in a situation wherein you’re having to be diplomatically honest to a stranger about something best left unsaid. Nor do you ever want to piss off a potential psycho when he/she is horny as hell at 2am. And resorting to a Mercy Fuck will leave you feeling grossed-out, ashamed, unsatisfied, and teeming with regret.

Some nights, maybe – just maybe – settling for a quick and quiet little wank on your own is the best solution. Your self-respect will thank you in the morning.

Do you have an escape clause for hookup hell?

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