Each day you put yourself out there in Internet Land, hopeful that some lady will stumble across your profile picture and be charmed right out of her pants and into your arms.
Each day you cling to that hope, only to be met with a disappointing lack of action. Where is my piece of the vagina pie, you ask? Well, it’s probably cooling on the windowsill of some guy who doesn’t fall back on these types of clichéd profile pics.
4 Online Dating Profile Pics that Turn Women Off
1. Bathroom Mirror Selfie Guy
While selfies are kind of lame to begin with, bathroom selfies are the worst. If you’re going to go that route, at least use the double lens feature on your phone to get a good, clear, well-framed picture of yourself. Even use a selfie stick if you can’t find anyone who will take your picture.
No woman ever is going to be like, “Please sir, let me behold the throne upon which you sit each day to take a crap. I love the way it stands there firmly, behind your flexed bicep, like a porcelain wingman. Oh that I may some day perch my ass upon it.”
2. Angry Guy
I don’t know when or where the notion originated that anger is sexy. It isn’t. Many times I’ve surfed the dating sites, only to be met with page after page of Angry Face. It’s as if these faces are saying, “I dare you to click on me! In time I’ll reveal all the ways in which I hate my mother. Then I’ll make you feel bad about yourself, because I’m afraid of getting too close to you and of potentially feeling love!”
Lighten up, angry dudes. There’s plenty of time in the day to broadcast your smouldering hatred. Maybe for the split second it takes to snap your profile pic you could reflect on all the great things you’ll gain from meeting someone new online. You might get your dick sucked! That’s something to be happy about, isn’t it?
3. The Player
Sorry, guys. Posing with a group of women at the club does not make you seem like a hot commodity. It’s a lame maneuver that makes us think of either a toothpaste commercial: 4 out of 5 women recommend you, or chlamydia. Sometimes it makes us think of both things at the same time. Minty fresh crotch rot… Yum!
“That’s a lot of women you’ve got there… Oooo! I bet you pulled out your massive cock and had group sex with them right after this picture was taken!” said no woman, ever.
4. The Exhibitionist
The bare-chested male douche is a rare breed of dating site species, but he does exist. His more offensive cousin Dick Pic makes the odd appearance as well, often on the heels of his shirtless brethren, in the form of a first message.
Many women, myself included, will pass right on by bare-chested guy for fear of having more, potentially offensive pics sent to us later on. If all goes well, we’ll see your naked body soon enough. For the time being, just put on that favorite shirt of yours and keep your dick in your pants.