How to Keep Your Hookups Casual

Q: Dear Holly. I’m relatively new to online dating after my 10-year marriage fell apart. I don’t want to get into a relationship but just have casual sex to keep the lonely blues away. So far I’ve met two women who I’ve hooked up with, and they both started wanting more.

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I guess I could have strung them along for more sex, but I refuse to be a jerk. Now I’m back to browsing for either one night stands or maybe a friend with benefits. Any tips on how to keep things from getting too serious? – Walt

A: Hi Walt. Don’t beat yourself up. It takes plenty of practice to get the hang of online dating. There are two important aspects to keeping casual sex casual.

One, be as upfront and direct as possible about what you’re looking for. This starts when writing your profile. Check the “casual hookups” box or alike to be clear, and also write a sentence or two (something like, “I’m not ready for anything serious…) to describe your situation. That’s not to say you won’t have women responding who say that’s cool, but who have a secret agenda to change your mind.

Many pitfalls of online dating are unavoidable to be sure, and you just cross those bridges when they present themselves.

Two, join a niche dating site like that cater to sex, rather than relationships. Back in the day, there weren’t these types of options but now that there is, you should take advantage. Women who want a serious beau aren’t going to use these sites. You’re going to find ladies looking for no-strings relationships like yourself. 

Throughout the process of meeting someone new, it’s always a good idea to bring up boundaries and reminders of where you’re at in your life as far as connecting with others.

I’ve been guilty of saying I’m okay with casual but then noting being okay. When sex happens, people’s feelings get involved and what they thought they could handle, sometimes they can’t. And that’s okay… just regularly check in with new partners to make sure you’re both on the same page.

Hookup Help is a Q&A series. If you want advice or a female’s perspective on hooking up, online dating, relationships, or sex… we want to hear from you. SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION, and who knows, you may appear in the next Hookup Land newsletter. -xo Holly

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