Q: Dear Holly. After a serious relationship went bust last year, all I want is casual dating and sex. I’m still figuring out how to do this without leading a woman on and later being called a dick by a disgruntled date. I’ll admit I don’t always say I don’t want a relationship right away, but if I say I’m only into sex then I wouldn’t get any girls. Right? – Ben
A: Hi Ben. So, I totally get your need for a dating break after a long-term crash. And there’s nothing wrong with casual dating, especially in this day and age where we live in a hookup culture.
I was just dating a guy for about four months, someone I thought was on the same page I was (that is leading to a boyfriend-girlfriend scenario) but alas, no. I was crushed when he said he didn’t want a relationship, other than a friend-with-benefits arrangement. I told him I don’t like to share, and that was that.
Newsflash Guys: It’s okay to say you’re only looking for casual sex, a friend-with-benefits, a booty call, or whatever else the kids are calling it these days. You know why? Because there are plenty of women who also want no-strings-attached fun. We are sexual beings who want our needs met when we feel horny.
So be upfront, rather than send mixed signals. This means being clear on your online dating profile, and don’t be afraid to reiterate your intentions on a first date because sometimes a woman will only see what she wants to see.
Once you have said what you want or don’t want through words, you have to follow through with actions that match that message. Treat a woman with respect, but don’t get romantic, always pick up the tab, send sexy texts, or introduce her to your friends and family. Just don’t. These behaviours will have her thinking that you want more than what you say you do. But hey, if your feelings grow, it’s all good if she’s interested in something more too.
If you are just having one night stands, then you don’t have to worry, but if you find someone you have awesome sexual chemistry with, you’ll probably want to keep on hooking up, so follow my advice, and have regular check-ins with a regular sex partner to make sure you’re both on the same page.
Happy hookups, Ben!
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Hookup Help is a Q&A series. If you want advice or a female’s perspective on hooking up, online dating, relationships, or sex… we want to hear from you. SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION, and who knows, you may appear in the next Hookup Land newsletter. -xo Holly and Tia