Contacting an Ex-Girlfriend for Sex

Q: Dear Holly. I have a bad habit of contacting ex-girlfriends when I feel lonely. Sometimes I’m hoping that there’s a chance of a hookup, but other times just hanging out would be good. Is this normal, and do women do this too? – Len

A: Hi Len. My girlfriends and I have an expression: “They all come back.” This refers to ex-boyfriends (serious and not so serious) texting or calling or messaging on social media after a breakup. Ex-boyfriends have reached out to me after a week, month, year, and many many years after not speaking or seeing one another.

The truth is, almost all of these unexpected messages are unwanted, and sometimes unacceptable (an ex sent me a friend request eleven years after the police had to be called to warn him if he didn’t stay away from me, after a breakup, that he would be charged with criminal harassment.)

That is an extreme example, but most women want to move on after a breakup; if they didn’t, they’d still be with you. And you should want to move on too.

All that said, I get it. I have reached out to men from my past when going through a hard time, or when I’ve felt extremely lonely. It’s rarely brought anything good though, usually just a mixture of nostalgia and regret.

It’s fine to reminisce about past lovers, but the focus you should have is on the present, with an eye towards the future. If you’re single and long for a serious relationship or just want to get laid, online dating sites are the fastest, easiest, and cheapest way to go.

You can join a site immediately, take your time to create a kick-ass profile,  and browse other profiles for someone who suits your desires. Even if there is a membership fee, it’s worth the money you save on sending drinks at a bar or paying an escort out of desperation.

If a woman from your past is interested in rekindling romance or a one night stand, let her make that first move because rejection (which happens most of the time in these situations) on top of feeling lonely sucks.

Onward and upward, Len!

Hookup Help is a Q&A series. If you want advice or a female’s perspective on hooking up, online dating, relationships, or sex, we want to hear from you. SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION, and who knows, you may appear in the next Hookup Land newsletter.

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