Prepare Your Place to Get Laid

You might think the deal is sealed when she agrees to go home with you. It’s not. Aside from the deal never actually being sealed, your date might take one look at your crap hole of an apartment, pack up her vagina and go home.

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I’m not saying you have to reside in a penthouse suite in order to score with the ladies. You can have lots of sex while living in a shack, so long as you prepare your space accordingly.

Clean it Up

Pick up your fucking underwear. How’s that for blunt? No woman wants to see your used skivvies crotch-up on the floor unless she’s thrown them there herself. Do the dishes and take out the trash. Make your place smell nice through the use of (gasp!) household cleaners. Don’t just hang one of those pine-scented car fresheners in your hallway and hope for the best.

Above all else, be sure your bathroom is spotless. Take down the signed stripper pic from behind the toilet. Replace it with a picture of a kitten or the macramé owl that your grandma gave you for Christmas.  

Neutralize the Space

Remove all traces of ex-girlfriends and porn from your home. Your date probably assumes you have a relationship history, as well as a raging porn addiction. That doesn’t mean she wants to see the evidence.

If your date is cold, don’t offer her your ex-girlfriend’s sweater. Also (not that you would ever do this, but some guy I know actually did), don’t make a hanging plant holder out of panties that have been left behind at your house.

Make It Comfortable and Inviting

Invest in a cozy throw blanket and some cushions. Make sure the thermostat is set to a comfortable level. Ask your date if she wants a drink or something to eat. Ask her what type of music she enjoys. Point out all fire exits and fart-safe spaces (such as balconies and coat closets).

Basically, be a good host and set the mood. Maybe keep a fresh toothbrush and clean towels on hand, in case she wants to freshen up a bit.

Protect Your Privacy

Don’t leave passwords or sensitive documents laying around. This is especially important if it’s a one-time hookup. You’re inviting a relative stranger into your home, so be careful. Set a security code on your phone if you don’t already have one. All those dick pics should remain hidden until you’re ready to send them which, quite honestly, should be never.

If you have roommates, protect their privacy as well. Agree upon a house protocol for common areas verses rooms that are out of bounds. Lock drawers and medicine cabinets if you want to be really careful.

Think I missed something? Add it in a comment.

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