Hey. You. That’s right, you: sitting next to us in the restaurant, flossing your girlfriend’s teeth with your tongue. We’re begging you to stop!
It’s not that we don’t appreciate public displays of affection. “Ah, look at them walking arm-in-arm, so in love.” It’s the line-crossers who gross us out, the couples who seem but an instant away from ripping each other’s clothes off.
It’s a simple request, a measly list of things we, the strolling/eating public, care not to witness:
Keep your own tongue in your own mouth.
A little kiss won’t hurt anyone. But once the mouth opens and the molars start getting polished, the rest of us are choking on our own barf.
Is a body-tangle really necessary?
No, it is not. We don’t need to see you wrapped around each other to the point of scissoring at the crotch. And don’t neck-nestle, either. Or lick each other’s neck, for that matter.
Keep out of the pants!
A hand in the back-pocket is fine—just. But do NOT slide your fingers into anyone’s crack. Not in public. Not while I’m enjoying my custard slice. (This applies to any clothing—hands out!)
Playing footsies does not mean sucking toes.
Sure bare toes are sexy, but your fellow picnickers don’t need to watch you suck them like a popsicle in the park. I swear you’re just looking for attention. Save it for the tub.
Snap out of it.
You’re in a restaurant, noses just inches apart, gazing into each other’s eyes, like you’re alone in the world. Well, guess what? You look like those people who think no one can see them picking their nose in the car. Everyone sees you, and we’re distracted by it, and put-off.
A) Common courtesy
B) Respect for those around you
D) You not being a fucktard
Is all this too much to ask? Let’s hope not.
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