Online Dating: Writing a First Message

When it comes to online dating messages, tone is everything. You want to be sure that the words you’re using and the overall feelings they evoke match what you’re trying to express, and that they are appropriate to the person you’re communicating with.

How does one measure this? It can be hard. While some people have an innate understanding of tone and don’t really need to think about it much, others struggle. Here are some tips for those of you fall into the latter category.

Tips to Hit the Right Note with Online Dating Messages

Consider Your Audience

If you’re looking for an NSA hookup, it’s fine to get a little suggestive—if not downright raunchy—provided you’ve read her profile and know that she’s seeking the same. If she hasn’t written anything specific about being DTF, or she’s kept her profile clean and her needs somewhat of a mystery, go with a more conservative approach.

While it is possible to get laid using a sexually explicit, balls-to-the-wall shotgun approach, you’re more likely to succeed if you message women individually, meeting them where they are at in terms of language and intention.

Read Your Messages Out Loud

Horniness and desperation can make us say all kinds of crazy shit, am I right? That’s why it’s best to read your messages out loud before sending them—so you actually hear how they sound. Be on the alert for cheesy clichés, disrespectful language, or anything that resembles negging.

It should be noted that this degree of conscientiousness is most useful when sending initial messages. If you’ve been messaging back and forth for a while and have the kind of rapport that can support a little craziness, by all means, let loose. It all depends on her comfort level and what the two of you consider hot.

Don’t Hit Send Right Away

Sleep on it! Give your brain a chance to rest, reset, and review before making that all-important decision to send your message. This is especially important if you have the urge to fire off a dick pic, or a super-dirty sext to her for the first time.

As you look things over the next day, ask yourself if anything in her messages up until now has suggested that she wants to see a picture of your cock. If she hasn’t asked for one, or hasn’t mentioned her love of penis imagery in general, don’t go there.

Ask a Trusted Friend to Look Things Over

Ask someone close to you (who preferably has sound judgement and a solid online-dating track record) to be your editor-in-chief. Choose someone who really knows you and what you’re looking for in an online match. If you don’t have anyone that you can call on, try this online sentiment analyzer. I don’t know how accurate it is, but it’s kind of fun to use. The analyzer gives this blog post a rating of 27.6, meaning it has a somewhat positive and enthusiastic tone.

What messaging tips can you share? Please leave a comment!

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