Dear Jamie,
I met a girl on a hookup site who struck me as a mega bossy bitch, so I was really turned on. I love dominant women! I texted her, “I want to be your slave.”
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The chick raged out on me! She said sadomasochism is pure misogyny and racism. She said BDSM slavery was born during actual slavery and perpetuates hatred of women and minorities.
Serious buzzkill. Is she right? – Daniel, 24
There’s a lesson to be learned here: when we’re meeting women for hookups online, don’t make assumptions about anyone and what they’re into. There are lots of kinky dating sites like BDSMdate.com, and lots of kinky folks on general hookup sites too—so always be clear about who and what you’re looking for!
Sex is full of political and personal perceptions. These are the “strings” people looking for no-strings-attached casual encounters are hoping to avoid!
But we all bring our strings to the table in some way. You triggered this girl without meaning to. Don’t argue with her—just send a message that says, “Sorry to upset you. Wrong call.” Move on, and resolve to make your fetishes clear in future dating profiles!
There’s a lot of judgement around people’s sex lives. Some of that is just a normal way of figuring out how to proceed in the dating game without exploiting anyone inadvertently. Some is purposeful and hateful and meant to create shame and pain in others for being sexual beings.
Myth: Some claim that BDSM submissives are perpetuating sexist stereotypes and patriarchal power regimes.
Fact: Sometimes submission and slavery play is about EXPLORING those power structures. S&M is a safe space to try on all kinds of different dynamics. Plus, our fantasy life is separate from what we want from real life.
In this situation, it’s hard to see where you are reinforcing toxic masculinity, since YOU want to be dominated by WOMEN.
Myth: BDSM submission games are reflections of guilt, shame and low self esteem.
Fact: Sometimes, of course. And where better to manifest our darkest fears and secrets, but privately behind closed doors?
But does playing a tyrant or a princess or a prostitute behind those closed doors reflect reality? Of course not. Role playing is just that.
Besides, many submissive are also tops in different sessions. There is no one size fits all.
Myth: Slave play has historical roots in racist American oppression.
Fact: S&M is an ancient practice with countless variations in role dynamics. Actual slavery is also an ancient practice, in every culture of the world. There are all kinds of political and personal predilections, perversions, and pleasures in all aspects of life, including sexuality.
BDSM practice did not originate in American slavery, but some people are uncomfortable that they may be reinforcing those power structures. That’s an individual choice.
Myth: Men and women who get off subbing were abused or raped, and re-enacting this is abusive too.
Fact: They also say that “promiscuous” women are acting out some kind of abuse drama.
And I want to point out that quite a number of people who are monogamous and married, or who enjoy vanilla sex, were once victims.
It is true that some people who were once abused find catharsis in ritual BDSM roleplaying. Just as some seek therapeutic release and security in a monogamous marriage and others in protective celibacy. How a person chooses to address and handle their life experiences is their business.
Tell us what you think