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Hookup Help: Love with a Married Woman?

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Q: Dear Jenny. Help, I think I’m in love with a married woman. She’s with a friend of a friend who lives in another state. I met her eight months ago while I was visiting. As soon as I saw her I thought: Who’s that?!? It was instant chemistry but soon after, I found out she was married and had a kid. Sleeping with someone in a relationship has always been a no-go for me, so I just admired her and engaged in very mild flirtation which she initiated.

I met her again recently at a barbecue. I was told by mutual friends how bad her marriage is and always has been, and one friend even encouraged me to “go for it” because she could use a boost to her self-esteem… and that she’d asked about me a few times! Long story short, we went for a walk at the end of the night, kissed (which was awesome!) and later made out (everything short of sex) in a park. It felt great, and we’ve texted a few times and all I can think about when I masturbate is her. Do I ask her to visit? We’ve had a couple of flirty texts, but I’m starting to feel a bit of guilt. – Miles

A: Hi Miles. I want to say run while you still can, and some people will say sex with a married woman is wrong no matter what. But as someone who has been in many a complicated relationship, I have compassion for your situation.

Chemistry, especially when felt on both sides, is something that is hard to ignore. You are not in love at this point, but in lust. It’s a strong pull but you did survive without seeing her for eight months. And let’s not forget, we often are more attracted to the unattainable – a married woman living in another state. If she said she would leave her husband tomorrow, would she be so attractive?

If you’ve been alone for a time, it’s normal to have this woman stuck in your mind. The beginning can be thrilling because of the secrecy and taboo nature of this relationship, but when it ends, it can be worse than any other breakup because the other person still has someone (cheaters in marriages almost never leave their spouse.) Also, if you’re already feeling even a tinge of guilt, it will only get worse.

My advice is to use her as inspiration, but find someone who is available and who lives closer to you. Check out these dating sites that will help you do just that.

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