I hate going to the gym. People at the gym freak me out. I never notice the “normal” people who, like myself (yes, I consider myself gym-normal), are there for one reason and one reason only: because staying fit and healthy is critical if you don’t wanna end up with a broken hip when you get old. Instead I’m distracted by weirdness.
The perfectly sculpted poseurs, using all available mirrors, who I never actually see exercising, seem to be spending their whole visit waiting for someone to offer them an oily rub-down.
The machine-mongers, from whom you wouldn’t dare take a machine should it be the one they’re planning on using next as a matter of their usual routine.
The crisis-soggies, weighted down by thier muffin-top, hopelessly working their way through what will likely be the first of four sessions before they give up, and making you want to weep on their behalf.
The screamers, howling like banshees, making you feel like you’re either not working out hard enough or that you might die if you push too hard. The sound itself makes it difficult to tell which.
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It can make for a very distressing and depressing visit. And if, like me, your only reason to be there is because It Must Be Done, then you have to find ways to get in and out unscathed by the surroundings.
Unless you work out with a friend, here’s what I suggest to help keep your gym visit private and personal:
- Wipe down the machines before and after you’re done. Other people don’t.
- Avoid watching others’ techniques. Need help? Ask a trainer.
- Don’t wear flashy “look at me!” gym clothes. Nor should you wear something so old your balls fall out a hole.
- Bring your own water. I’m not putting my mouth near that fountain.
- Never make eye contact. There’s something unsettling about it.
- Avoid — and discourage — change room chitchat. Who wants to talk about the election with some naked stranger?
In, and out. That’s the secret.
That, and a follow-up reward of brunch. Bacon’n’eggs. Always.
But wait! Check out another point of view: Tips for Picking Up Women at the Gym