Hookup Help: Insecurities and Trust Issues

Hookup Help is a new Q & A series on Hookupland. If you want advice or a female’s perspective on hooking up, online dating, relationships, or sex… we want to hear from you. Love is not a science, and I can’t say I’m an expert, but I have learned a lot from years of dating and making mistakes.

Q: Dear Jenny. I’ve been dating a woman for almost six months and things are pretty good. We have the same sense of humour, we both have life goals we’re working towards, and the sex is still going strong. I’ve even asked her to move in with me. She says her only hesitation is my insecurity and occasional jealous thoughts. As much as I try to hide these things, she somehow can sense them and is able to drag them out of me. I’ve been cheated on before, so I know this is part of my problems with trust. I don’t think I’m overbearing with her, and I don’t try to control her (at least I think I don’t).

She’s the best thing to happen to me in a long time, and I don’t want to blow it. I know the six-month mark is crucial with new relationships, and I worry if she doesn’t move in with me, it’s only a matter of time before she breaks it off. Feeling desperate…
-Ken in Brookshire

A: Hi Ken… It sounds like you have lots in common with your gal but without trust, you really have no foundation for a long-term relationship. That said, we all feel insecure and jealous within our relationships at some point. These are natural feelings, but it’s how you handle and express them that makes the difference.

Moving in together is a big step for couples. I usually advise the 1-year rule (waiting a year before the big leap) because it takes at least this long to get a sense of who someone is. Your eagerness to take this step probably has something to do with your insecurity of losing your “best thing”. Your girlfriend sounds intuitive and likely knows this on some level, hence her hesitation. I recommend backing off on the co-habitation plans for now.

Also, trying to hide your feelings, is never good, especially in a new relationship. Talking about what you perceive to be “negative emotions” is much more healthy than pretending they don’t exist. What is bad is letting feelings fester, only to come out later.

Being cheated on is one of the worst feelings of all – the betrayal is painful, but you can’t place someone else’s behaviour onto your present girlfriend. A woman needs to feel that you trust her, and jealousy is one of many behaviours women find unattractive.

Be open and honest, slow down, and be gentle with yourself.

Readers: If you have any advice to share with Ken, please comment below.

Need some advice? SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE, and who knows, you may appear in the next Hookupland newsletter. -xo Jenny

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