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My Lover Has a Rape Fantasy: How Do I Respond?

Woman's Wrists Tied with Man's Tie

Dear Jamie,

I met a new hookup and we’ve become lovers. The sex is great. The topic of fantasies came up, and I wanted to know all about hers. I was hoping for a threesome fantasy, to be honest. Instead, her recurring fantasy is being overpowered and pushed into a van where she becomes a sex slave. I was totally disturbed by it, and wondered if she was abused.

It really turned me off and I lost interest in having sex! I didn’t want to make her feel ashamed, but my dick went limp and I’ve just been saying I’m busy at work. What now? Does she need help? Do other women have such disturbing rape fantasies? – Robbie, 27

Understanding Rape Fantasies

Hi Robbie. Thanks for reaching out. It gives us a great opportunity to air one of our dirty little secrets: yes, other women fantasize about rape. It’s actually a much more common fantasy among women than you would think.

While it’s impossible to say how many women share your lover’s rape fantasies, it is safe to say that most women have fantasized about rape, and for many of us, it’s a persistent and powerful fantasy, not a fleeting fancy.

Rape Fantasy in Popular Culture

Consider the romance novel. You probably don’t think twice about them, and if you did, might assume that less literate women need a bit of easy reading. But romance books have sold fiercely from their inception, to powerful, smart women who also read classics and scholarly documents. Even in today’s feminist cultures, romance makes up a whopping quarter of fiction sales.

What are romance books called colloquially? Bodice Rippers! That’s because, in the early versions, an innocent damsel was overpowered by a rogue pirate who literally ripped off her clothes. Romance novels are highly sought after and many of them fantasize a kind of “soft rape.” Or not so soft.

Consider Fifty Shades of Grey, which has nil literary value, but is a total submission fantasy and one of the bestselling books of all time. Women love this stuff.

What is Rape Fantasy About?

The most important distinction should be obvious: fantasy is not reality.

We are biologically programmed to be excited by danger and desire. In civil society, we take charge of “nature” and control it. A fantasy is not about really wanting to be raped. It is about the experience of arousal at the thrill of the thought. Just as you or some men might fantasize about taking what they want, but you don’t actually do it.

Yes, some women who fantasize about rape have been abused. It is their right to reclaim their sexuality the way they see fit. But I don’t buy the “childhood abuse” explanation for our every dark and twisted fantasy.

Another psychological explanation for our rape fantasies is the abolishing of personal responsibility. If we have been taught that sex is bad or shameful, our desire can be sublimated if someone forces us into it, and we don’t have to justify our participation. Maybe this is true for some.

A very powerful attraction for myself in submission and “ravishing” fantasies is having such sexual power over a man that he can’t help himself. The obsession of desire and attention all focused on me. It actually turns the whole power game on its head, and I like that.

How Should You Respond?

Whatever her reasons, they are hers alone. She trusted you enough to open up and that means she feels secure and safe.

There’s no need to worry about her rape fantasy. Move on. Why not ask next about her other fantasies, where you might realistically play a role? There are many kinky role plays that you may feel more comfortable in.

If you do decide to try rape role play with your lover, read the Kink Lovers article: Should You Indulge Your Partner’s Rape Fantasy?

Have you had a lover share a rape fantasy? How did you respond?

Tell us what you think!

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