Is Your Extreme Kink Preventing You from Hooking Up?

Dear Jamie,

I’m a horny and kinky twenty-year-old student ready to go for it, but so far I’m not having much luck finding dates, hookups, or girlfriends. My fetishes are kind of extreme, and not too many girls are into them. I’m good looking enough that a few classmates have asked me out, but after I told them what I’m into—extreme BDSM, cock-and-ball torture, fem-dom, anal training, and choking, well, that was the end of that. I start wondering if there’s something wrong with me.

One date told me I must have watched way too much porn and ruined sex for myself. I did have sex so far a few times, just regular sex, and it was awkward and not memorable. I did have a bit of kinky sex with a professional dominatrix, and that was better but a bit clinical. I’m hoping to meet girls for hookups, but none are interested in doing to me what I want. What can I do? – Kinky Almost-Virgin Ramon

Hi Ramon,

Thank you for sharing your story. It takes courage to reach out. A few things stand out. First, no, there’s nothing wrong with you. Lots of young guys, and girls, are kinky as hell.

That said, it is possible that you consumed too much extreme porn. You didn’t say whether you had or not, in response to the girl’s comment. I do think porn is healthy, safe sex, and a great way to discover our sexuality, but too much in a vacuum can be desensitizing. The easy availability of the stuff can be like crack to young people. It’s called “adult entertainment” for a reason.

Just a few years ago, a rusty VHS tape and some magazines were what we had, and hardcore stuff was in a specialty shop. Now a million options are right there at the touch of a button. If you think there’s some truth to what she said, you might take a break from the extreme stuff and try casual dating without sex. Just enjoy company, without expectations for a while.

Kinky sex is out there, for all ages, so the problem is not in and of itself the stuff that turns you on. But divulging your desires is an art form. You don’t want to be on a date with your lab partner and then say “By the way, I want you to crush my testicles with your stilettos” or “I want you to fuck my ass with a two by four.” That won’t fly, as you’re discovering.

If you’re looking for casual sex and hookups, understand that many people don’t see kink as “casual sex.” It’s often elaborate and requires planning, set up, and trust, not necessarily what the barista at Starbucks had in mind when dreaming of a fling with you after work. Even if a woman has insane fetishes, they might not be practical or safe to play out on a first date.

For this reason, you’ll want to meet women on the appropriate dating sites, like where kinky women are looking for kinky men. You’ll have the chance to describe what you are looking for and compare notes.

There are other ways to meet kinky women. Keep your eyes and ears open. Some kinky chicks dress the part. You can go to a fetish party or nightclub. Go online and find the kink community in your area. Attend workshops on the fetish practices that intrigue you, and you might meet her there.

Let us know how it goes!

Hookup Help is a Q&A series. If you want advice or a female’s perspective on hooking up, online dating, relationships, or sex, we want to hear from you. SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION, and who knows, you may appear in the next Hookup Land newsletter.

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